im not in the best condition to do anything now. there are a thousand ways to describe me now, but i'll make it very short........im sick, pissed off and frustrated.
cant actually study, cant do anything, typing this post is costing me my neck, cant bother defending whats right, cant bother arguing, cant bother to change their minds, cant bother to text anyone anymore, cant bother anything at all.
now, i've got the most valid reason for this post, i just took the heaviest medication in my life 3 hours ago, and the drugs are supposed to just make me sleep like a dead person two hours ago...and im still here. so if you are expecting a long post, you are not getting one this time......hey, i still like proving people wrong.....because there isnt much to talk about....not like i can be bothered right now eh? by the way...happy deepavali....i know its a bit early, but i just wana wish first in case i couldnt make it...yeah, maybe i couldnt make it after all.
forgive and forget
i wasnt planning to talk about politics, but i cant find any other stuff to talk about in this blog. so if this is the only way to update, i have no other choice. of course, you can just skip this post if you want to. lets start with the recent mca stuff.....or whatever that was. i dont care who became the head, but i heard the man, who asked the people to forget the past, got the deputy post. ok, maybe it wont be so political at all, i mean this post. so thank you mr-caught-on-video-in-a-cheap-hotel, for not making me another raja petra, or any other blogger insane enough to worship politics. frankly, its everywhere.....politics! too much in my school. this morning, the principal told us that the uniform body should consist of all the races, and that the perception of a specific body for each race shouldnt be there at all. lets get back to reality, for my school at least. the 1st row of teachers, all the PKs, are they not under the same race? dont preach unless you've got your own backyard cleaned. 2nd, i mean no harm to anyone, especially not to any saint john member in particular...i mean, generally, they've done some good....but in my school, its kinda of a different story. the politics are too obvious, the polarization is too much, and the members are mainly made up of stereotypes......no offence intended. what i meant was, the world sucks because we learn how to make it that way in school. yupp, no denying, the old have showed us the way the world goes, and we learnt only from the best, not to mention the effort of trying to surpass the master. at this rate, my generation could be the worst in history.
talking about history, i've strayed enough. oh yes, history.....this is one thing i remember from the textbook, "those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it" said someone who lived sometime ago. and there we go, listening to the guy who's learnt his lesson, and telling everyone to forget the past. how convenient.
the past made us into who we are today. its a part of you that never go away. it sticks, most of the time, it sucks, but it is you. i'd like to live in a world where everyone can forgive and forget, for a day or two, and see how happy the world would be. but theres no fun in that, thats why im not staying for long. everyone got their stories, everyone got secrets, just because his was caught on video, doesnt mean he can run away from it. maybe im wrong, the people forgave him...he got the seat no? but im not asking him to step down or anything, i dont care about the chaotic political circumstances that has been running this country to the brink of self destruction, im just interested in ideas and principles, and especially the way they are conveyed in words. some are lost in translation and make no sense when spoken in a different tongue, most are not worth mentioning at all....so i take pleasure in looking for those who just get me going.
again, back to the topic, if i do this in my essay,all the drifting, im dead. the past. you can ask people to forgive you for the wrongdoings in the past, but dont expect them to forget. to forgive is to accept the person into the society again after he's pay for his sin, to forget is to ignore it completely and assume it never happen. i dont know who came up with that cliched phrase, but to me, its just another stupid way to act all innocent and be a saint in front of everyone. im willing to pay for my sins, well, at least in terms of ethics......if i consider religion in the picture......its a long story. but i dont expect people to forget it, i dont want to exactly put it in a box and bury it somewhere. well, thats how we learn from our mistakes. we fall, we get up, and we remember the moment before we fall, why and how did we fall, and we will try not to fall again. thats how the brain works, its stores info and keep it for you.....its up to you how to relate it. if you are just going to forget everything and repeat it again, then go sell off your brains or put it in the blender and hit on, while you can dedicate yourself to being just another machine which never learn anything, they just do the same thing over and over again. i mean, even a simple car alarm has a memory, so why cant we keep ours?
the last time you screw something up, do you remember it? why? because you intend not to repeat it again. if everything can be forgotten, then theres nothing to stop anyone from commiting any mortal sin. the past constructed us....., surely, there are times of glory, and there are times when we fall, but thats the point of the whole thing.....to learn from it. even vengeance shouldnt be forgotten. you should forgive those who wronged you, but you should never forget them, or what they did........like shakespear put it
"if you prick us do we not bleed?
if you tickle us do we not laugh?
if you poison us do we not die?
and if you wrong us shall we not revenge?"
its normal human reaction. cause and effect. maybe there are those noble enough to forgive, but i ask of you, do not forget......it will cost you more than you can afford. me? i'll stick to being an average guy who pays a punch in the face with another. then i can forgive......but not forget.
my past has been full of everything, and i know i've hurt a few along the way.....and im not asking for forgiveness.....let alone to forget it. there are those choices made because the other could have been worse, or because out of plain ignorance and stupidity.......though some might have seemed like a necessity at certain times. i ask of you, for any wrong or right i've done, you can put it behind, you can let it go, you can have your revenge if you are smart enough, just dont let forgetfulness gets a hold on you.
talking about history, i've strayed enough. oh yes, history.....this is one thing i remember from the textbook, "those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it" said someone who lived sometime ago. and there we go, listening to the guy who's learnt his lesson, and telling everyone to forget the past. how convenient.
the past made us into who we are today. its a part of you that never go away. it sticks, most of the time, it sucks, but it is you. i'd like to live in a world where everyone can forgive and forget, for a day or two, and see how happy the world would be. but theres no fun in that, thats why im not staying for long. everyone got their stories, everyone got secrets, just because his was caught on video, doesnt mean he can run away from it. maybe im wrong, the people forgave him...he got the seat no? but im not asking him to step down or anything, i dont care about the chaotic political circumstances that has been running this country to the brink of self destruction, im just interested in ideas and principles, and especially the way they are conveyed in words. some are lost in translation and make no sense when spoken in a different tongue, most are not worth mentioning at all....so i take pleasure in looking for those who just get me going.
again, back to the topic, if i do this in my essay,all the drifting, im dead. the past. you can ask people to forgive you for the wrongdoings in the past, but dont expect them to forget. to forgive is to accept the person into the society again after he's pay for his sin, to forget is to ignore it completely and assume it never happen. i dont know who came up with that cliched phrase, but to me, its just another stupid way to act all innocent and be a saint in front of everyone. im willing to pay for my sins, well, at least in terms of ethics......if i consider religion in the picture......its a long story. but i dont expect people to forget it, i dont want to exactly put it in a box and bury it somewhere. well, thats how we learn from our mistakes. we fall, we get up, and we remember the moment before we fall, why and how did we fall, and we will try not to fall again. thats how the brain works, its stores info and keep it for you.....its up to you how to relate it. if you are just going to forget everything and repeat it again, then go sell off your brains or put it in the blender and hit on, while you can dedicate yourself to being just another machine which never learn anything, they just do the same thing over and over again. i mean, even a simple car alarm has a memory, so why cant we keep ours?
the last time you screw something up, do you remember it? why? because you intend not to repeat it again. if everything can be forgotten, then theres nothing to stop anyone from commiting any mortal sin. the past constructed us....., surely, there are times of glory, and there are times when we fall, but thats the point of the whole thing.....to learn from it. even vengeance shouldnt be forgotten. you should forgive those who wronged you, but you should never forget them, or what they did........like shakespear put it
"if you prick us do we not bleed?
if you tickle us do we not laugh?
if you poison us do we not die?
and if you wrong us shall we not revenge?"
its normal human reaction. cause and effect. maybe there are those noble enough to forgive, but i ask of you, do not forget......it will cost you more than you can afford. me? i'll stick to being an average guy who pays a punch in the face with another. then i can forgive......but not forget.
my past has been full of everything, and i know i've hurt a few along the way.....and im not asking for forgiveness.....let alone to forget it. there are those choices made because the other could have been worse, or because out of plain ignorance and stupidity.......though some might have seemed like a necessity at certain times. i ask of you, for any wrong or right i've done, you can put it behind, you can let it go, you can have your revenge if you are smart enough, just dont let forgetfulness gets a hold on you.
random?
life so far isnt so bad.....i know spm is really near, and by that, i should be running around like a headless cockroach looking for books to read or exercise to do.....but hey, pressure's not on me. somehow, it was never there. maybe i've been taking exams too lightly. what kind of dude spends the day before bio paper looking for action figures, or perhaps only have 2 hours of sleep before taking add math.........a really weird bloke eh?
how about playing ball in the physics lab....how does that sound? a few hours back, the gang and i went really hysteric about the 240 volvo, and for a very good reason. cant say what it was specifically, but i was really glad we stopped before we get into serious trouble.....but that sure was fun....fatally scary, but fun......must learn how to have that kind of guts first before even trying that....., after spm sounds like a nice idea.
about debate........thats still not confirmed. 8th of october was supposed to be the big day of debate, but it just passed by me the same like any other day.....cos again, it has been postponed. i heard the 25th of this month, maybe even november. if so, hell, im not going, but i know who will, the juniors! with some practice, they can do serious damage to the opponents........i take this as giving them free tickets to the nationals, should there be one. if they really go, i insist they bring the videocam.......should be fun seeing them having their very first official debate in the nationals.....agaisnt less tall people most likely. though i got the feeling we wont have one this year, which is backed by those endless postponements, i hope they can go.....thats the least we can do for them for helping the team out.
trials wasnt so smooth....got my first B out of 4 subjects so far.......expectedly....pendidikan islam. what a waste, 2 more marks to A la, or was it 3. accounts was dissapointing, cos the paper was easy and i was expecting to get higher....english was still.........overrated......how can chuah only get 43 for that essay? i reckon 46 and above, but hey, dampervan gave the marks......and by some cosmic fate (simply known as favouritism), i got 44 for the most emo essay i've ever handed in which i prefer to call as TRASH. ah, she's not marking my spm, ought to be fair.....which means im getting lower for the real thing. est was .......on the line by my standards, cause i was pretty careless, but i believe sir was very lenient on us. as for other subjects, i expect to see more Bs this time. the leaked question issue and the retest was stupid and horrible. i confess i did take a look at the leaked question circulating around, but i dont think it would make much difference considering the subjects....they were just like some confidence booster. it was wrong, and i believe the retest was a futile effort to make it right.
thats enough for an update.....at least better than some photos of a lamp pole (not melissa, a real one) and a lower half of my action figure which is 400km away from me now, as the direct result of me not being able to read japanese.......should have just googled it the other day. never thought they'd have the products in full details. now, time to hit the books.....correction, time to try to hit the books. haha, what are the odds eh?
how about playing ball in the physics lab....how does that sound? a few hours back, the gang and i went really hysteric about the 240 volvo, and for a very good reason. cant say what it was specifically, but i was really glad we stopped before we get into serious trouble.....but that sure was fun....fatally scary, but fun......must learn how to have that kind of guts first before even trying that....., after spm sounds like a nice idea.
about debate........thats still not confirmed. 8th of october was supposed to be the big day of debate, but it just passed by me the same like any other day.....cos again, it has been postponed. i heard the 25th of this month, maybe even november. if so, hell, im not going, but i know who will, the juniors! with some practice, they can do serious damage to the opponents........i take this as giving them free tickets to the nationals, should there be one. if they really go, i insist they bring the videocam.......should be fun seeing them having their very first official debate in the nationals.....agaisnt less tall people most likely. though i got the feeling we wont have one this year, which is backed by those endless postponements, i hope they can go.....thats the least we can do for them for helping the team out.
trials wasnt so smooth....got my first B out of 4 subjects so far.......expectedly....pendidikan islam. what a waste, 2 more marks to A la, or was it 3. accounts was dissapointing, cos the paper was easy and i was expecting to get higher....english was still.........overrated......how can chuah only get 43 for that essay? i reckon 46 and above, but hey, dampervan gave the marks......and by some cosmic fate (simply known as favouritism), i got 44 for the most emo essay i've ever handed in which i prefer to call as TRASH. ah, she's not marking my spm, ought to be fair.....which means im getting lower for the real thing. est was .......on the line by my standards, cause i was pretty careless, but i believe sir was very lenient on us. as for other subjects, i expect to see more Bs this time. the leaked question issue and the retest was stupid and horrible. i confess i did take a look at the leaked question circulating around, but i dont think it would make much difference considering the subjects....they were just like some confidence booster. it was wrong, and i believe the retest was a futile effort to make it right.
thats enough for an update.....at least better than some photos of a lamp pole (not melissa, a real one) and a lower half of my action figure which is 400km away from me now, as the direct result of me not being able to read japanese.......should have just googled it the other day. never thought they'd have the products in full details. now, time to hit the books.....correction, time to try to hit the books. haha, what are the odds eh?
tagged
RULE #1 People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.
RULE #2 Tag 10 people to do this quiz and those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by and cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by. continue this game by sending it toother people.
1. do you have secrets?
who doesnt?
2. if you can have a dream come true, what would it be?
i dont want it to come true, its way too impossible to have a happy ending with it.
3.What are the things that can cheer you up when things go wrong?
friends, songs, ps, running around, jumping, punching objects....or people
4.What would you do with a billion dollars?
anything i want with it.........its my money
5. Will you fall in love with your best friend?
who's got a say in that? im no fortune teller
6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
neither and both
7.If you had 3 wishes, what would they be?
i'd wish for a billion dollars, to be remembered and to leave no physical trace of my existence when im gone......im weird, but theres a reason for it, theres a reason for anything.
8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
1st, bang my head agaisnt the wall, then wish that person the best of luck in life.
9.. Is there anything that has made you extremely happy?
winning stuff, winning some games, the gang and families........being free from anything
10. What takes you down the fastest?
myself, especially when i think way too much.
11. How would you see yourself in ten years time?
that would be 27, i believe i'll have my car, a small house, most likely remain single and grow sideways.
12. Who is currently the most important people to you?
everyone i know, i do mean everyone.
14. Would you rather be single and rich or married but poor?
whichever that makes feel better.
15. Would you give all in a relationship?
what kind of a relationship we're talking about? hey, dont blame me, the question wasnt specific, so thats my response.
16. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously, who would you pick?
neither, its not fair for anyone.
17. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing the someone has done?
sure, after that someone has pay for it.
18.Do you prefer being single or having a relationship?
whichever that suits me better.....how the hell am i suppose to know
19. What's the hardest thing for you?
knowing myself.
20. would you like to become someone else?
.........................
i'll tag 10 people for sure, that would be the other me's from different times, and see whether the other 10 ben's would still reply in the same way no matter how time has change. hey, i still play by the rules.....rite son, who happen to tagged me? hey, im only doing this cos you finally post smtg new.
RULE #2 Tag 10 people to do this quiz and those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by and cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by. continue this game by sending it toother people.
1. do you have secrets?
who doesnt?
2. if you can have a dream come true, what would it be?
i dont want it to come true, its way too impossible to have a happy ending with it.
3.What are the things that can cheer you up when things go wrong?
friends, songs, ps, running around, jumping, punching objects....or people
4.What would you do with a billion dollars?
anything i want with it.........its my money
5. Will you fall in love with your best friend?
who's got a say in that? im no fortune teller
6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
neither and both
7.If you had 3 wishes, what would they be?
i'd wish for a billion dollars, to be remembered and to leave no physical trace of my existence when im gone......im weird, but theres a reason for it, theres a reason for anything.
8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
1st, bang my head agaisnt the wall, then wish that person the best of luck in life.
9.. Is there anything that has made you extremely happy?
winning stuff, winning some games, the gang and families........being free from anything
10. What takes you down the fastest?
myself, especially when i think way too much.
11. How would you see yourself in ten years time?
that would be 27, i believe i'll have my car, a small house, most likely remain single and grow sideways.
12. Who is currently the most important people to you?
everyone i know, i do mean everyone.
14. Would you rather be single and rich or married but poor?
whichever that makes feel better.
15. Would you give all in a relationship?
what kind of a relationship we're talking about? hey, dont blame me, the question wasnt specific, so thats my response.
16. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously, who would you pick?
neither, its not fair for anyone.
17. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing the someone has done?
sure, after that someone has pay for it.
18.Do you prefer being single or having a relationship?
whichever that suits me better.....how the hell am i suppose to know
19. What's the hardest thing for you?
knowing myself.
20. would you like to become someone else?
.........................
i'll tag 10 people for sure, that would be the other me's from different times, and see whether the other 10 ben's would still reply in the same way no matter how time has change. hey, i still play by the rules.....rite son, who happen to tagged me? hey, im only doing this cos you finally post smtg new.
waking up
i dont remember the last time i dream, but im sure i'd need to flip the calendar pages. dreams are never just dreams, they always mean something.....or that's what i used to believe. dreams are the projection of your subconscious thoughts that has been buried deep inside your head, or things that you never have realised before. they can be the sweetest lost memories or nightmares you thought you've got over with, they can be your deepest desire that you have never known....or it's just your head thinking too much with the REM tagging along in your sleep.
this morning, i woke up from the most cruel dream. it wasnt a nightmare. i believe that it was my personal goal, something that i wanted at that moment. the dream wasnt about me losing something important, instead, it showed me the most wonderful possibilties i can ever think of, the most beautiful thing that can happen to me. i bet i had the biggest smile in my life in my sleep. then, i woke up. thats when reality came down to my consciousness.....where it just crushed everything. the dream was nothing wrong, except that it gave me hope, the slightest faith in such event that it would be real one day, and it would be mine. to be given hope at one moment, and then have it snatched away and smashed to pieces before you can make sense out of it, makes me wonder.......so should i really stop dreaming?
afterall, dreams are nothing but a blanket covering you from the blinding light of reality....you can only hide there for a moment.....the longer you stay inside, the more your eyes are going to hurt when you come out. for a moment, i really thought that it was gonna real.....everything became clear, what i wanted to do, what i should do......everything fits perfectly. that last for a minute or so.......then it just vanished into thin air. now, im left with despair and nothing more. kinda hope i never dreamt in the first place now. damn!
this morning, i woke up from the most cruel dream. it wasnt a nightmare. i believe that it was my personal goal, something that i wanted at that moment. the dream wasnt about me losing something important, instead, it showed me the most wonderful possibilties i can ever think of, the most beautiful thing that can happen to me. i bet i had the biggest smile in my life in my sleep. then, i woke up. thats when reality came down to my consciousness.....where it just crushed everything. the dream was nothing wrong, except that it gave me hope, the slightest faith in such event that it would be real one day, and it would be mine. to be given hope at one moment, and then have it snatched away and smashed to pieces before you can make sense out of it, makes me wonder.......so should i really stop dreaming?
afterall, dreams are nothing but a blanket covering you from the blinding light of reality....you can only hide there for a moment.....the longer you stay inside, the more your eyes are going to hurt when you come out. for a moment, i really thought that it was gonna real.....everything became clear, what i wanted to do, what i should do......everything fits perfectly. that last for a minute or so.......then it just vanished into thin air. now, im left with despair and nothing more. kinda hope i never dreamt in the first place now. damn!
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