today, could be the most important day of this year yet. today is the day we went to the state level debate of that wira dude.
1st, i want to say that i still dont like being the prime minister, whether its for the sake of the team or anything. call me playing safe, im not comfortable with other roles....and i still hate that feeling of taking over some other guy's job.....it does sound like stealing someone's dead girlfriend or something.
the debate today started off with the science is a threat to humanity motion, and we went against the host itself, kuala ketil, who was not so bad and asked us to take pictures with them...weird huh? 2nd round was the most important motion to me because it was the motion that kept me awake until 4am on the day of the competition, the motion we went against asma and won, and the motion where we lost in the nationals. this time, the twist is im going government as prime minister....not the best thing in the world you know. this is where i believe i fumbled again. it was like bakar arang all over again. i was.........not myself. i couldnt poi, i panic....bla bla bla. that made me feel like an ass for the whole day....i know that was not me, i could have done better! why? the final was media, putra's favourite motion and his only motion last year. i was really scared when he started to sing the mcd song, the pizza hut delivery number...that mockery of "but i beg to differ" fella, but since its putra, he pulled it off. hmm, he's got some stuff there.
ah yes, best speaker, km, you deserve it. no more arguing! vj and his usual style, relaxed, sarcastic, in control, cool.....he's good. adrian did not speak, maybe he wont this year, but he's getting better, at a scary rate. he's background sure helped him a lot. and i like his sarcasm when its combined with his monotone voice, it does sound very......casual. maybe my ex-son is not as fiery as his foster dad, but he's picking up. i can see those 3 juniors reaching our place next year....now just need a bumi.....i dont recommend my little brother, but i believe he deserves a shot at it. kugan can really do 2nd speaker....now we just need to change his habit of reading essays as his scripts. patricia is still lacking in confidence and authority....but i like her accent, or maybe pronunciation, there's this extra precision to it when she speaks. and mani, our retired 3rd speaker who's been hanging around us when we need her the most. i just want to say that her presence in the debate team has my deepest appreciation. thanks for being there, and for the food delivery.
with that over, now we are on our way to nationals, but looking at the motions, and the venue, i lack the drive to push myself to do better. at this very moment, i feel lost, i dont know how im supposed to feel. my team has just repeated our achievement last year, and that is something all of us should be proud of....i do mean all of us. but im not jumping. im not sad either. i dont know. suddenly, i feel guilty. to whom is a question i still cant answer. im glad we won, at the same time, im mad, disappointed, relieved, all these contradicting emotions at the same time.
i might have the answer to all that, i might not.
here's a question, if u know you are not going to like the answer, are you still going to solve the puzzle? maybe thats what im doing, running away. maybe i know something that my subconscious refuse to admit, something that caused my curiosity and rational to be blurred, what is it? i want to know it, but at the same time, i feel like im not allowing myself to answer it. and why? what will happen if i do find that answer? will the last piece of the jigsaw reveal the ugly picture? i wish i can be ignorant, like before. but now, with things getting more complicated, turning a deaf ear is impossible.
but the utmost important thing i wish to ask is that.....what happens when your principles are being challenged for the greater good? it doesnt necessarily mean your wrong, but then, what is that greater good? i just want to be able to answer for what i do....no matter how shitty it gets, as long as its under my principles. i want to be able to deny the opportunity to reverse time....and be able to say.....i did it! it was me! its because of me!
its always easier when it only involves one person.....because i cant answer for others, and im not asking for that either.
what im feeling right now? i wish i know. i do! i want to know what my feelings really are. i wish i can answer that too. all that question thrown at me, they might be random, but i cant look them in the eye and give them a straight answer. i ran away! thats what i've always been doing.
emo? fuck! this is deep shit!
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