a brand new year will arrive once the arms of time coincide at 12. so what's new? nothing. whatever happened this year will have a rippling effect on those to come. nothing stays in the past, instead they will come back at you, be it in the form of sweet memories, or haunting nightmares, down to dire consequences of your actions or words.
i've my fair share of ups and downs of this year. so much has happened, and yet, they still feel fresh like it was from yesterday.
there are those moments which i would like to change given the chance to turn back the pendulum. but what happened, happened. let yesterday go, so you can live today, and perhaps catch tomorrow's sunrise. i don't like bringing up the past because there's nothing i can do about it and i don't live in a world where time stops.
those excuses overshadows the real reason though. i don't like the past because i never did find my place in it. i lived through it, but i lack the sense of belonging to time. it seems as if what i am today is the same as the day before. nothing changes. im still the same old me. im still nobody.
i look around and i see everything else moving, growing....while im static. clock's ticking and im still here.
what is wrong
would something still be considered morally wrong if we eliminate all the possible negative consequences. it's a big IF, and there's no way of proving that consequences can be reduced to none. but then again, religion still stands without evidence, so this theory should too.
something is considered wrong for many reasons, albeit because it goes agaisnt culture, religion, our conscience, or perhaps because of its negative impact inflicted upon us, and those around us.
here's an example. a pair of siblings of different gender, both above the age of consent had sex. they took precautionary measures to make sure it would be impossible to result in having babies. both kept it a secret. both mutually agreed to it. by any means, if real life consequences are eliminated...is incest wrong? why?
it's against human nature? against religions' teachings? against cultural values? if so, why and how?
can morality exist solely based on logic or does it still require abstract preferences?
something is considered wrong for many reasons, albeit because it goes agaisnt culture, religion, our conscience, or perhaps because of its negative impact inflicted upon us, and those around us.
here's an example. a pair of siblings of different gender, both above the age of consent had sex. they took precautionary measures to make sure it would be impossible to result in having babies. both kept it a secret. both mutually agreed to it. by any means, if real life consequences are eliminated...is incest wrong? why?
it's against human nature? against religions' teachings? against cultural values? if so, why and how?
can morality exist solely based on logic or does it still require abstract preferences?
i like...
- how a smile says everything you need to know about someone,
and how she feels for you - running till im out of breath,
so i can feel alive - cycling really fast and do the "meg-ryan",
to convince myself that im flying - walking on wet grass in the morning,
because they really are the best shoes - waking up to a text from a girl who woke up from her nightmare,
because then i'd know how much she needs me - how a stranger returns your smile,
because it makes you think that the world isnt so bad - how my first impression on people are always wrong,
because im a pessimist - knowing something new about someone,
because there's always something more - getting caught in the rain,
and feel free from everything - waking up to a rainy morning,
knowing i can always run outside and play - lying down listening to songs,
to ignore the world for a moment - acting like a kid,
to get the best out of life - switching the radio station,
just to find my favourite songs - feeling the wind rushing thru me,
it feels like nothing can stop me - dreaming the impossible,
because sometimes, they do happen - writing nonsense,
because there's nothing much to say - =) 's
because they mean a lot to me
of jebat and heroism
as malaysians, im sure each of us have our fair share of folklore, coming from different backgrounds, be it culturally or religiously. the story of hang tuah 5 sahabat is rather common, even more so for the malays.
the most popular of all the stories about them would be the battle between hang tuah and hang jebat i can't be bothered to recall the exact version, but so i'll just take from wikipedia.
Hang Jebat was the closest companion of the legendary Malay hero Hang Tuah. He is well known for his vengeful rebellion against the Malacca Sultan whom he served. After Hang Tuah was sentenced to death, Hang Jebat was conferred by the Sultan of Malacca with the Taming Sari, a sacred kris formerly used by Hang Tuah. Believing that Hang Tuah was unjustly murdered by the Sultan he served, Hang Jebat turned against the Sultan to avenge his friend's death. No one knew, however, except the Bendahara who went against the Sultans orders and hid Hang Tuah in a remote region of Malacca that he was still alive.
With the kris in his possession, Hang Jebat became invincible and there was not one person in the entire Malacca Empire who was capable of killing him. Hang Jebat's revenge had forced the Sultan of Malacca to abandon his palace. Jebat seduced the women of the palace and spent his days eating, drinking and sporting with them. All the warriors sent by the Sultan to challenge him were killed. Even his friend Hang Kasturi was driven out when Hang Jebat realized that the other man hadn't come to join him in merrymaking.
After learning from the Bendahara that Hang Tuah was still alive, The Sultan had him recall Hang Tuah and gave Hang Tuah full amnesty. The Sultan then ordered Hang Tuah to kill Hang Jebat. Being unquestioningly loyal to the Sultan, Hang Tuah obeyed the Sultan's bidding and went on to challenge Hang Jebat. After fighting in a battle that lasted for seven days, Hang Tuah eventually managed to reclaim the Taming Sari by tricking Hang Jebat. Although stabbed by Tuah, Hang Jebat bandaged his wounds and ran amok in the city square for three days, killing thousands of people before retreating to Tuah's house and dying in his friend's arms.
Hang Jebat's famous quote was "Raja adil raja disembah, raja zalim raja disanggah" which literally means "A fair king is a king to obey, a cruel king is a king to fight against".
what i fail to comprehend is that, why is hang tuah seen as a hero. he's nothing more than a soldier with no stand, no principle, no value....a perfect soldier, but never a hero. he didn't fight for himself when he was accused wrongly, he came back to serve the man who sentenced him to death for no reason, he blindly followed the sultan's order, and he killed his true friend, hang jebat when he tried to avenge him.
hang jebat did murder those who are innocent, but what the sultan did was no better. at least jebat stood up for his friend, even at the cost of being labelled a traitor. jebat was a true hero, not a perfect one, but a hero nonetheless. tuah in contrast, was just another killing machine.
loyalty is where it is due. no point being loyal to anyone or anything if it contradicts with your values. it applies to a friend, lover, nation, kings or whatever tax-eating-creatures they are referred as, and even religion. of the many reasons i object the syariah law, or any other law, be it tradition or religion is because my values comes first. i would not simply be told what to do, albeit from a higher order, a higher being, a higher whatever, make me. i do not see why apostasy is prohibited, isnt it a right to choose one's faith....and to choose it again?
i don't know what others might think of my perception of the jebat and tuah legend.....but i do know what i will tell my kids in the years to come.....and i bet you know who'll be the hero
the most popular of all the stories about them would be the battle between hang tuah and hang jebat i can't be bothered to recall the exact version, but so i'll just take from wikipedia.
Hang Jebat was the closest companion of the legendary Malay hero Hang Tuah. He is well known for his vengeful rebellion against the Malacca Sultan whom he served. After Hang Tuah was sentenced to death, Hang Jebat was conferred by the Sultan of Malacca with the Taming Sari, a sacred kris formerly used by Hang Tuah. Believing that Hang Tuah was unjustly murdered by the Sultan he served, Hang Jebat turned against the Sultan to avenge his friend's death. No one knew, however, except the Bendahara who went against the Sultans orders and hid Hang Tuah in a remote region of Malacca that he was still alive.
With the kris in his possession, Hang Jebat became invincible and there was not one person in the entire Malacca Empire who was capable of killing him. Hang Jebat's revenge had forced the Sultan of Malacca to abandon his palace. Jebat seduced the women of the palace and spent his days eating, drinking and sporting with them. All the warriors sent by the Sultan to challenge him were killed. Even his friend Hang Kasturi was driven out when Hang Jebat realized that the other man hadn't come to join him in merrymaking.
After learning from the Bendahara that Hang Tuah was still alive, The Sultan had him recall Hang Tuah and gave Hang Tuah full amnesty. The Sultan then ordered Hang Tuah to kill Hang Jebat. Being unquestioningly loyal to the Sultan, Hang Tuah obeyed the Sultan's bidding and went on to challenge Hang Jebat. After fighting in a battle that lasted for seven days, Hang Tuah eventually managed to reclaim the Taming Sari by tricking Hang Jebat. Although stabbed by Tuah, Hang Jebat bandaged his wounds and ran amok in the city square for three days, killing thousands of people before retreating to Tuah's house and dying in his friend's arms.
Hang Jebat's famous quote was "Raja adil raja disembah, raja zalim raja disanggah" which literally means "A fair king is a king to obey, a cruel king is a king to fight against".
what i fail to comprehend is that, why is hang tuah seen as a hero. he's nothing more than a soldier with no stand, no principle, no value....a perfect soldier, but never a hero. he didn't fight for himself when he was accused wrongly, he came back to serve the man who sentenced him to death for no reason, he blindly followed the sultan's order, and he killed his true friend, hang jebat when he tried to avenge him.
hang jebat did murder those who are innocent, but what the sultan did was no better. at least jebat stood up for his friend, even at the cost of being labelled a traitor. jebat was a true hero, not a perfect one, but a hero nonetheless. tuah in contrast, was just another killing machine.
loyalty is where it is due. no point being loyal to anyone or anything if it contradicts with your values. it applies to a friend, lover, nation, kings or whatever tax-eating-creatures they are referred as, and even religion. of the many reasons i object the syariah law, or any other law, be it tradition or religion is because my values comes first. i would not simply be told what to do, albeit from a higher order, a higher being, a higher whatever, make me. i do not see why apostasy is prohibited, isnt it a right to choose one's faith....and to choose it again?
i don't know what others might think of my perception of the jebat and tuah legend.....but i do know what i will tell my kids in the years to come.....and i bet you know who'll be the hero
lesson 2
when life pulls a joke on you, all you can do is laugh
because what's the point in making others worried, right?
hey, i'll stop asking k?
because what's the point in making others worried, right?
hey, i'll stop asking k?
lesson learnt
i used to believe that i can always do something, change something i didn't like, and do better if i just put in more hours and effort into it. i used to believe that impossible is nothing. i refused to give up, and to follow the course fate has set me for. i ignored what everyone said, i thought, i can always do something, regardless how little the effects would be, i wanted to make a difference. so much for my raison detre.
it doesn't matter if it was about scoring higher for add math, or running a bit further than usual, or jumping an inch higher than the day before. i always had this mindset, that i could do something about everything. destiny and fate meant nothing to me. i wouldn't even let the god factor interfere. i make my luck....no matter what happens, if it's me thats rolling the dice, then nothing else matters.
lately i realised something. i came to accept that there are certain things that i can never change afterall. i lost my grandad recently, and i was in college. we're not close, but i wanted to do something for him....to be there. i couldn't. it just hit me.....im just a tiny chess piece in this mad world. there's just so much i can do.....the rest is up to the big guy. im still an agnostic by virtue. big guy isnt an omnipotent being controlling the universe, he's just randomness, coincidence, the sum of cause and effect of every single action taken by everyone.
perhaps.....the truth is, life is indeed larger than ourselves. this time, i have to accept it. ngeh
because my hands would be in my pockets this time...
it doesn't matter if it was about scoring higher for add math, or running a bit further than usual, or jumping an inch higher than the day before. i always had this mindset, that i could do something about everything. destiny and fate meant nothing to me. i wouldn't even let the god factor interfere. i make my luck....no matter what happens, if it's me thats rolling the dice, then nothing else matters.
lately i realised something. i came to accept that there are certain things that i can never change afterall. i lost my grandad recently, and i was in college. we're not close, but i wanted to do something for him....to be there. i couldn't. it just hit me.....im just a tiny chess piece in this mad world. there's just so much i can do.....the rest is up to the big guy. im still an agnostic by virtue. big guy isnt an omnipotent being controlling the universe, he's just randomness, coincidence, the sum of cause and effect of every single action taken by everyone.
perhaps.....the truth is, life is indeed larger than ourselves. this time, i have to accept it. ngeh
because my hands would be in my pockets this time...
*puts down chemistry book*
exam starts on monday. holidays start on wed after the bio papers. planning starts yesterday.
study? oh yea, that too.
i so hate chemistry now
study? oh yea, that too.
i so hate chemistry now
tagged
- can you legally drink?
yes, by civil law - will you be married in the next 2 years?
yes, to books and exams. - is it easy for others to make you feel awkward?
yea, kinda - what are your least favourite school subjects?
er, add math - who was the last person you called?
alia'a - do you prefer to call or text?
call - do you have a pet?
nope - what did you do today?
stuff, let's not get to the details - do you like carrots?
nope, they suck - when was the last time you saw your mom?
last week - do you believe in karma?
i believe shit happens - are you taller than 5'5"?
yea - how many city/town have you lived in?
alor star, bukit kayu hitam, sungai petani and nilai/bbst - do you prefer shoes, socks or bare feet?
bare feet - are you a social person?
nope - what was the last thing you drank?
plain water - what are you favourite colours?
black and white - do you like coffee?
yupp - would you rather have love or money?
money, cos i choose to give love. - have you ever sat on a roof?
yupp, buncit's - what are you listening to?
background noise - do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?
not when i occupy the entire bed already - do you know how to play poker?
a bit. - what are you thinking about right now?
wondering if i should bring my digicam over to college next semester - any plans for the weekend?
yup, big one - what time do you get up in the morning?
random hours, sometimes, i dont wake up at all. - do you eat ranch with your pizza?
i dont get it - last person you IM'ed?
wenyi - have you ever been in an ambulance?
nope - do you prefer an ocean or pool?
ocean, i like sand - what colour shirt are you wearing?
yellow - do you know how to drive a stick shift?
i assume it's a manual, then yes - what's bothering you right now?
chemistry - do you hold grudges?
not really - whose myspace page did you last visit?
don't have myspace - are you a Lost fanatic?
nope. not at all - earphones or headphone?
earphones - at this very moment, what should you be doing?
doing math - do you read novels often?
none at all - what is the colour of your bedroom wall?
no idea, cream? - do you shut off the water while you brush your teeth?
depending on mood - are you mad about anything?
yea, about not being smart enough - do you sing obnoxiously in the car?
only with people im comfortable with - last two people to call you?
mom and alia'a - have you ever thought you didn't like someone, and then found out that you really liked them?
yupp....long story this one - how was this weekend?
cool. almost got lost in kl and endeup in johor - do/did you listen to your parents?
yeap - stupidest thing you ever did with your cell phone?
threw it around and flipping it - is there anyone that doesn't like you because of something you did?
dunno....speak now or forever hold your peace - do you think your first love affects the way you go on with life?
it does, in way you couldn't imagine. - the phone rings, what is your ring tone?
evening news - jason lo - did you go anywhere yesterday?
the hill, in the rain - who was the last person you share beds with?
bro - favourite drink?
coke - does the person you like know that you like them?
yeap, i constantly remind her too - where are you right now?
in ktt, ulu central - if you had to kiss the last person you kissed, would you?
i dont get this one - favourite gadget in the kitchen?
fridge - favourite pie?
none - how is your hair?
messy - where's the last place you walked to?
my room - last time you had a sleepover?
at steve's, but i forgot when - latest you stayed up in the past week?
7.38am - what are you doing, aside from answering this questions?
thinking about saturday - have you been in a car accident?
yeap, but mom drove - what is the last thing you said aloud?
don't remember - who's the first person on your missed calls list?
mom - what did the last text message you received say?
nak pergi now tak? - last time you went to church?
never
DESCRIBE YOUR : - wallet?
black, leather, almost empty - eyes?
black, sleepy - life?
shit happens
WHAT ARE YOU : - doing this weekend to come?
go mcd and giant and klia the next day - wearing?
tshirt and shorts - wanting?
a confession - listening to?
noise - what do you smell?
dunno - do you sleep naked?
nope - do you like seafood?
not really - do you remember your dreams?
not all - do you consider yourself a study freak?
nope - do you speak another language other than english?
bahasa melayu - what did you do last might?
math - what do you hate?
math - orange or apple juice?
apple - who were the last people you went out to lunch with
hafiz and aidzat - last thing you hate?
mooncake
and here is meme number 2 - what is on the walls in your room?
paint - one of your scars, how did you get it?
put my finger in the middle of a see saw when i was a kid - what does your cell phone look like?
a phone? - what music to you like to listen to?
good ones - do you know what time were you born?
10.40am - what do you want more than anything right now?
a perfect ending to my love story - what do you miss?
the good old times - what is your most prized possession?
no idea - what is your favourite smell?
food - do you get claustrophobic?
yes - do you get scared of the dark?
yes - what is your favourite cologne?
don't use one, but i like polo explorer - what kind of hair do you like on someone you are attracted to?
doesnt matter - where can you see yourself being proposed to at?
in my dreams - coffee or energy drinks?
coffee, black - what is your favourite pizza topping?
er er er, everything - if you could eat anything right now, what would that be?
ice cream - who is the last person you made mad?
dunno,.sorry - do you speak a foreign language?
english counts? - what is the first gift someone of the opposite sex ever gave you?
don't remember..wait, my mom counts kan. hhahahaha - do you like anybody?
nope - are you double jointed?
dunno - favourite clothing brand?
none - dream car?
dream CARS, all of them - what is one of your dreams?
getting a shot in the head from the back - what is the best way to tell someone how much they mean to you?
subtly - say a number from one to a hundred
42 - blondes or brunettes?
dont really care - what is the one number you call most often?
alia'a's number - what annoys you most?
my inability to sleep - have you been out of the US?
always - your weakness?
er, not telling - where do you want to live?
anywhere that makes me happy - first job?
still studying - ever done a prank call?
nope - what were you doing before you filled out this survery?
another tag - if you could get plastic surgery, what woud it be?
nothing - why did you fill out this survey?
cos wenyi asked me to - what do you get complimented about most?
i dont know - what would you do if alcohol became illegal?
nothing? - what do you want for your birthday?
a cake and one huge ass burger - how many kids do you want?
no idea - were you named after anyone?
dont think so - do you wish on stars?
nope - which finger is your favourite?
the middle always gets the message across quickly - when did you last cry?
cant remember - do you like your handwriting?
not really - what is your favourite lunch meat?
beef - any bad habits?
being an ass - what is your most embarassing cd on the shelf?
no cd - if you were another person, would you be friends with you?
maybe - have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell?
nope - do looks matter?
in what aspect? - how do you release anger?
i run - where is your second home?
college - do you trust others easily?
no - what was your favourite toy as a child?
gundam figures - what are the first three numbers in your cell?
not saying, this is stupid - do you use sarcasm?
all the time - have you ever been in a mosh pit?
huh? - what do you look for in a woman?
a smile - what are your nicknames?
ben? - do you un-tie your shoes when you take them off?
nope - who is your crush?
eva green - what's your favourite ice cream flavour?
chocolate - when is the last time you went on a date?
define a date please - who do you miss most right now?
not telling - do you want everyone to answer these questions?
nope - what are you listening to right now?
the voice in my head saying "ben, stop whatever you're doing now and go to bed"
i give up. cant finish it. crap
*looks out the window*
sometimes, it's best leaving things unsaid.
because you don't need another voice in your head
because you don't need another voice in your head
me and public transportation
taxi, station, ktm, salak selatan, wrong rapid, back to station, train to tasik selatan, wrong lrt to sungai besi, finally on my way to plaza rakyat, train ticket just fucks with the machine, held by personnel for 10 minutes, got into wrong bus heading to johor instead of kedah, got down in time, boarded the right bus.
am home now. i need car.
am home now. i need car.
hey
i might never win your heart,
but im gonna win your smile,
and i'll give it back to you,
don't ever lose it again. k?
but im gonna win your smile,
and i'll give it back to you,
don't ever lose it again. k?
another manic monday
had deeparaya on the last day of syawal. kick-ass awesome event. people, sorry i couldn't help out with the preparations. i was busy, breaking a personal record. hahahah. though i did stay till the very end. the food was great, and there was plenty of it. that ended with a lot of tahpau-ing in the end. zahrul did an amazing job on the keyboard, playing "my heart would go on" and "what i've done". then we had wafi on the guitar and pian on the mic, doing an accoustic raya song. lecturers had their share with the karaoke. me? came in a buttonless black baju melayu and brown khakis and was being the elephant in the room i suppose. which lead to being called to karaoke in front. damn. haha. thanks fa, i owe you one.
beating 6.05
im gona need :
- time
- new non asthmatic lungs
- new leg muscles
- new shoes
- to lose weight
- rain....maybe...just maybe. heh
why don't i have this in my inbox
It is the summertime in some small coastal European village. The place is deserted. There is a gloom in the air. Troubled economic times have left everyone in debt. The town folk live entirely on credit.
One day, an affluent tourist comes into town. He goes to the only hotel, lays a E100 (RM500) note on the reception desk, and asks to inspect the rooms in order to choose one.The hotel owner grabs the money and runs to pay his debt to the grocer. The grocer takes the money and runs to pay his debt to the farmer. The farmer takes the money and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his pesticides and fuel.The supplier of pesticides and fuel takes the money and runs to pay the town prostitute who, in these difficult times, has been servicing her clients on credit. The prostitute then runs to the hotel and pays off the E100 she owes for the rooms she rented when she brought her clients there.
The owner of the hotel then places the E100 note back on the reception desk as to not arouse the suspicion of the tourist.Just then, the tourist comes back from inspecting the rooms. He tells the hotel proprietor that none of the rooms were to his liking. He takes his money and leaves.
No one has earned any money and yet the entire town is out of debt. Problem solved. Crisis over.
does this make sense?
i think i see it now
One day, an affluent tourist comes into town. He goes to the only hotel, lays a E100 (RM500) note on the reception desk, and asks to inspect the rooms in order to choose one.The hotel owner grabs the money and runs to pay his debt to the grocer. The grocer takes the money and runs to pay his debt to the farmer. The farmer takes the money and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his pesticides and fuel.The supplier of pesticides and fuel takes the money and runs to pay the town prostitute who, in these difficult times, has been servicing her clients on credit. The prostitute then runs to the hotel and pays off the E100 she owes for the rooms she rented when she brought her clients there.
The owner of the hotel then places the E100 note back on the reception desk as to not arouse the suspicion of the tourist.Just then, the tourist comes back from inspecting the rooms. He tells the hotel proprietor that none of the rooms were to his liking. He takes his money and leaves.
No one has earned any money and yet the entire town is out of debt. Problem solved. Crisis over.
does this make sense?
i think i see it now
thirty minutes of napping = comedy
2.51pm : went to bed
3.01pm : fara text
3.07pm : back to sleep
3.09pm : bro text
3.16pm : text alia'a
3.26pm : she called
3.01pm : fara text
3.07pm : back to sleep
3.09pm : bro text
3.16pm : text alia'a
3.26pm : she called
the red plastic cup
went to the market, with people hustling in and out, making their way, minding their own business. amidst all these commotion, a man of silence stood out, a man who did not move like the rest, as he was on the floor, holding a plastic cup, barely half full of coins. what struck me was not how little he earned that day, but how can he escape this?
i hold no grudge, no predisposition, no prejudice against those who can't help but to ignore beggars whenever they pass by one. that coin you toss into the plastic cup might satisfy yourself and you wish to be helpful, or perhaps generous. you might be proud to have aid someone in need of money, to get through the day. you'll have this temporary satisfaction, thinking you've done some good. that "some" is something i would like to question. that "some" means it's only for one day. what about the rest? can you keep giving beggars money for the rest of their lives?
for every ringgit that a beggar obtain, it would make him a more dysfunctional member of the society. donations are meant to do someone a favour, to give someone a kick start, to give him a chance to start anew....NOT TO MAKE A LIVING OUT OF IT. pity isn't something that we should kick out of our nature. pity comes from our humanity, and perhaps, it is one of the thing that makes us humans. but such feeling doesn't last forever. one day, you'll grow tired of seeing how your pity and generosity have worked their way against your true intentions.
"you can give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. if you teach him how to fish, he can feed himself for a lifetime". cliched perhaps, but it still holds a meaning relevant to the present. i don't believe that beggars are incapable of supporting themselves. i do realise that some of them are disabled and handicapped, but i saw a lady selling soft toys, with a chinese book on her lap and a smile on her face that just doesn't seem to fade away even when people aren't buying from her. she was in a wheelchair, with her legs skinnier than her weak arms. the beggar i saw was in exactly the same market as the lady. they were barely a hundred metres away from each other, but they were worlds apart. i have my pity for the beggar for losing his legs, but i have respect for the lady who did something more than holding a cup waiting for help. that's the difference. i don't believe beggars can't work to feed themselves. they just refuse to. self-pity or sloth, it must stop.
is it just me, or the act of holding up a cup resembles the act of waiting for money to fall from the sky?
circling the 15th
what spins, involves water, and about to make my life much easier....and more affordable.
i know, i've lost it. i blame chemistry.
i know, i've lost it. i blame chemistry.
11.46
i miss my routine run, i miss my old friends, i miss being wrong.
i doubt anyone can figure this out. and that's how it should be. unknown, undiscovered, unfathomable, undefined. it has to be, it must be this way.
because im letting it go, everything.....
i doubt anyone can figure this out. and that's how it should be. unknown, undiscovered, unfathomable, undefined. it has to be, it must be this way.
because im letting it go, everything.....
to do's
- meet up with an old friend before he flies off to cairo
- decide which cpu to bring back to college
- meet up with the gang
- get the math notes photocopied
- register for penang bridge run
- get haircut
- drive around
- buy more stuff at lowyat
- clean the apartment
- get amnesia
50 reasons im up
- one more paper to go, but why must it be chemistry?
- i had the usual walk again, and it was the best so far.
- i need to look for my roomkey, forgot where i put it.
- i tried to remember those ten digits....nope, completely forgotten. that means the sleep-calling ends here, ok?
- i almost give up on everything i've been doing for the past few days
- i need to sleep..or at least start picking up step-by-step chemistry and read it.
- am going to get my pc tomorrow.
- i think im in denial.
- am wondering whether i should text a raya wish to everyone, i do mean, EVERYONE.
- am staring at my cup of coins. there must be 30bucks in there. there's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow afterall. yea me, that's where the rainbow ends.
- need to reconsider a new baju raya. not up to it i guess
- am thinking of cost cutting measures.
- am going to play dance dance revolution one day, i've got plans.
- am obsessed with peanut butter.
- tried making a banana-chocolate-filled-toast with the sandwhichmaker. awesome!
- shall never try ice cream with the sandwhichmaker, my holy grail of....well, DIY food.
- need to fix my other watch.
- really need to start looking for the keys.
- trying to finish food supply before raya break.
- i am balding.adasdasddad
- am going crazy over lifehouse. didnt know they're that good.
- im missing someone right now, but.......nevermind.
- am wondering whether i made the right call.
- am looking at 2 sleeping roommates....both very good at hitting snooze and going back to sleep.
- am waiting for it to rain
- am hoping for it to rain at 6.45pm, someday.
- realise that i tend to distract myself from studying by cleaning stuff.
- am going to have cereals for sahur.
- am trying to lose weight.
- will try to sprint up to the top of the hill one day.....without collapsing halfway or die from cardio failure.
- needs to utilize the space in the apartment.
- maybe i should start reading.....
- maybe i should pick the phone up and dial.....wait, i cant.
- want to go makan around after raya.
- want to go the penang hill during this break.
- should start driving around once i get back.
- need to really cut down on phone bill.....wait, done.
- want to play firecrackers this year.
- am waiting for a rainbow.
- i wonder whether this would reach 100 like last time.
- need to do a lot of muet exercises.
- need to find 3 people for my muet speaking test. i need someone who can talk. because i can't.
- shall never think about going downhill with a skateboard.
- nor shall i ever try to bowl there either.
- am wondering why do they have to be so confusing....not questions, but answers.
- will wait for it.
- will keep my words.
- will hold on to yours.
- .............................
- guess what?
could it get any more random
wait, i just remembered, i still have till 5 years left. i'll see if i can live till november first. btw, physics test in one hour....at least i've showered.....and read a bit. ngeh.
im not giving up, im not losing hope.....im just waiting for it.
im not giving up, im not losing hope.....im just waiting for it.
mangkuk...
no matter what happens, always remember about the things that you have
that would be my number and my words.
that would be my number and my words.
breaking the rear view mirror
i might be making the biggest mistake of my life....but i will learn from it. it's time for my amnesia to work, it's time i forget about everything, it's time i stop giving a damn, it's time for a change...
BEN, DON'T LOOK BACK...
BEN, DON'T LOOK BACK...
wish it was sunday
crap, woke up late. need.to.study.
sjkabdkabalsbdakjbaldak.
i hate mondays.
will anyone do? so where does that put me?
sjkabdkabalsbdakjbaldak.
i hate mondays.
will anyone do? so where does that put me?
never quite liked literature but...
im not sure whether i've said it before but i wont bother checking through my old posts. when i feel like writing, then it's best to let my thoughts run wild and my fingers run free.
the reason, why i chose to take up the jpa offer was because i didn't want to end up like my brother. i know that matrix is going to be easier than a levels, and a lot faster too. and i wont be bonded for ten years but...........i didnt want to follow his footsteps.
matrix was a paved road to me....jpa is a tiny path that diverts away into a blindspot. i took a turn, i took up jpa, and i'll try not looking back. im doing it not because of the scholarship, not because of the college, not because of anything else but a poem we learnt back in secondary school.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
because i wanted to be different.
the reason, why i chose to take up the jpa offer was because i didn't want to end up like my brother. i know that matrix is going to be easier than a levels, and a lot faster too. and i wont be bonded for ten years but...........i didnt want to follow his footsteps.
matrix was a paved road to me....jpa is a tiny path that diverts away into a blindspot. i took a turn, i took up jpa, and i'll try not looking back. im doing it not because of the scholarship, not because of the college, not because of anything else but a poem we learnt back in secondary school.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
because i wanted to be different.
i know this is going to sound dumb, but i've thought of an explanation for dreams and why we have them. crapping starts.... get ready.
the mind has the ability to store data, memory, mostly in photographic forms. well, when i say a dog for example, you might picture a specific species instead of seeing the word dog in your head. you construct your imagination using previous memory of a dog and how it may look like. when you imagine something, you are predicting with the help of your memory as the basis. predictions done during consciousness is fairly simple and logical.
for instance, when i say im throwing a pie at a clown's face, you can already imagine the pie being splattered on his face. thats prediction blended with imagination. of course, it's kinda logical because thats how we are trained to think. you wont think that the pie will turn into a nuclear missile and explode at his face. that's just too random......i said random because its improbable, not impossible.
dreams turn the logic switch off. so your prediction is running loose. and lunacy and chaos is added to it. so your dreams are basically exagerrated versions of simple predictions. so it's not impossible to happen, it's just unlikely......to certain degrees.
which means it is also unlikely for me to be trapped in a room, helplessly waiting to be murdered by a complete stranger by means im not too fond of recalling.
the mind has the ability to store data, memory, mostly in photographic forms. well, when i say a dog for example, you might picture a specific species instead of seeing the word dog in your head. you construct your imagination using previous memory of a dog and how it may look like. when you imagine something, you are predicting with the help of your memory as the basis. predictions done during consciousness is fairly simple and logical.
for instance, when i say im throwing a pie at a clown's face, you can already imagine the pie being splattered on his face. thats prediction blended with imagination. of course, it's kinda logical because thats how we are trained to think. you wont think that the pie will turn into a nuclear missile and explode at his face. that's just too random......i said random because its improbable, not impossible.
dreams turn the logic switch off. so your prediction is running loose. and lunacy and chaos is added to it. so your dreams are basically exagerrated versions of simple predictions. so it's not impossible to happen, it's just unlikely......to certain degrees.
which means it is also unlikely for me to be trapped in a room, helplessly waiting to be murdered by a complete stranger by means im not too fond of recalling.
climb, stare into nothingness, breathe
it may not be a beautiful scenery, it may mean nothing, it might just be me.
but it empties my mind.
ps : can you read my mind? because i can't.
the kartika case...........
that might change something. things like having 2 law systems in one country, things like having loose definitions, things like misconduct, things that sounded to me like injustice and prejudice, things that redefines what the law must be about and what it should really do. people forgot that there are reasons why some punishments are done in the afterlife, they forgot that some things are out of their power and position.
and most importantly, they forgot what is the true purpose of religon and faith. and yet, they claim they are rightful. FUCK. im sorry for the language, but that's the only word that fits perfectly in a such fucked up situation.
and most importantly, they forgot what is the true purpose of religon and faith. and yet, they claim they are rightful. FUCK. im sorry for the language, but that's the only word that fits perfectly in a such fucked up situation.
packed 2 bags with clothes and books...just to look pulun. took saba taxi to ktm nilai, took the train to salak selatan, stood all the way because it was kinda packed, saw a small kid who i think, called me "kakak".......is my hair that long?, waited at station for uncle, raining and lightning strikes, saw a cold cat and didnt have any food with me......felt kinda bad, dinner in petaling street, went to pavilion for thai horror movie....in shorts....for the 11.35pm screening, borrowed uncle's jacket because it was cold, really cold, went through the first half an hour of the movie eager to be scared, couldn't stop laughing when uncle screamed at the ghost, and finally got bored when it was near the ending. yamcha....however you spell it, after movies, went back to uncle's place, slept at 3, woke up at 5, bus is at 10, reach home around 5.
ok, now, updates done.
hey, do remember that the helpline is 24/7.........
ok, now, updates done.
hey, do remember that the helpline is 24/7.........
hey...
it's raining here, coupled with a few lightnings, cool ones if i may. whenever im confused, its either i write a post without the minutiae or just crap and start keyboard bashing. its easy, because i can empty my mind and people won't trouble themselves trying to help me because they would have no idea what's going on. i blog without making sense because my mind doesnt too.
now, i've found my sanctuary, right in the middle of this pandemonium. funny i suppose, to the extend of irony perhaps. climbing the hill does help, of course, the walkman is an indispensable item as well. it's not that i find the solution to my problems, but rather, it just take my mind off everything. i mean, i have to actually pay attention to my footing when i get to the rocky parts, so the only thing that would be running in a tape loop in my head is "ben, don't slip, don't fall, don't screw up". it does work, and that would explain the lack of updates from me. thats a darn long excuse eh?
but today, well, siren didnt call because i forget to ask, and i set my alarm at 6am instead of 6pm and i overslept. which directly translates to i didnt get my uphill walk and im here trying to write what i feel without letting anyone actually escape this conundrum im setting up.
honestly, im lost for words, im in a nonplussed condition and i have no idea what im talking about. i've been thinking about what would happen if i told you everything 2 years earlier. i wonder whether it can last till now. wonder if it's ever going to work. did i just miss my window 2 years back? i know things would be different, but i can't say for the better because im not judgmental......but at least i would know where i stand.
shit, i gotta stop before i start comparing. its not fair. what im trying to say is........nevermind.
how can you keep saying "No" when you still call me up when there's a thunderstorm?
now, i've found my sanctuary, right in the middle of this pandemonium. funny i suppose, to the extend of irony perhaps. climbing the hill does help, of course, the walkman is an indispensable item as well. it's not that i find the solution to my problems, but rather, it just take my mind off everything. i mean, i have to actually pay attention to my footing when i get to the rocky parts, so the only thing that would be running in a tape loop in my head is "ben, don't slip, don't fall, don't screw up". it does work, and that would explain the lack of updates from me. thats a darn long excuse eh?
but today, well, siren didnt call because i forget to ask, and i set my alarm at 6am instead of 6pm and i overslept. which directly translates to i didnt get my uphill walk and im here trying to write what i feel without letting anyone actually escape this conundrum im setting up.
honestly, im lost for words, im in a nonplussed condition and i have no idea what im talking about. i've been thinking about what would happen if i told you everything 2 years earlier. i wonder whether it can last till now. wonder if it's ever going to work. did i just miss my window 2 years back? i know things would be different, but i can't say for the better because im not judgmental......but at least i would know where i stand.
shit, i gotta stop before i start comparing. its not fair. what im trying to say is........nevermind.
how can you keep saying "No" when you still call me up when there's a thunderstorm?
to old and new readers
ok, since one kttian found my link, more people know about my blog, and rather odd events has occured. but heck, i dont think its gona change anything because, one, i dont care what people see me as; two, its my blog, and i can write anything i want here.
so i guess people's perception towards me might change with a certain degree of unexpected acceleration. i dont know whether thats good or bad, since playing jekyll and hyde can be quite interesting sometimes.
anyway, if you're reading this again, looking for clues or signs, you're not getting it here. hey, it wont be fun if you know about it. im serious, you spoil this one intentionally, you're not getting the bonus reward...ok? by the way, it's time the stars part from actions eh? i want to make them real.
because my cracked lips are.
so i guess people's perception towards me might change with a certain degree of unexpected acceleration. i dont know whether thats good or bad, since playing jekyll and hyde can be quite interesting sometimes.
anyway, if you're reading this again, looking for clues or signs, you're not getting it here. hey, it wont be fun if you know about it. im serious, you spoil this one intentionally, you're not getting the bonus reward...ok? by the way, it's time the stars part from actions eh? i want to make them real.
because my cracked lips are.
its not supposed to make sense anyway
out of nowhere, i finally felt the gap, the distance. it has always been there, both literally and metaphorically, but i have always ignored it.....for 2 years....distance wasnt a problem. but today would be a watershed.
im not fond of socializing with people, and i would prefer some degree of solitude for most of the time. but today, i feel so alone. literally. no friends, no class, no jogging because my foot still hurts, no games, no nothing. shit. what the hell is going on. i need to feel alive. and no one is around to help with me that.
there's only futsal, volleyball, badminton and ping pong here. im not much of a sports person, and these games actually requires someone fit enough to play. im not. i dont hang around with everyone in college. i dont go to the library and study because its a bit cold for me, and the librarian hasnt got the best smile in the world. i usually go out on weekend, looking for my uncle, staying over at his place, walk around kl for food, and shopping for random stuff..like apples and skittles.
let's see if i can change myself and what i think about college life in ktt.
ps : sorry if i was of any trouble
im not fond of socializing with people, and i would prefer some degree of solitude for most of the time. but today, i feel so alone. literally. no friends, no class, no jogging because my foot still hurts, no games, no nothing. shit. what the hell is going on. i need to feel alive. and no one is around to help with me that.
there's only futsal, volleyball, badminton and ping pong here. im not much of a sports person, and these games actually requires someone fit enough to play. im not. i dont hang around with everyone in college. i dont go to the library and study because its a bit cold for me, and the librarian hasnt got the best smile in the world. i usually go out on weekend, looking for my uncle, staying over at his place, walk around kl for food, and shopping for random stuff..like apples and skittles.
- i dont feel like going to the library and study.
- i dont feel like making friends at all right now.
- i dont want to play any kind of sport.
- i dont wana pick up a book and read it
- i dont feel like starting a conversation with my classmates
- i dont want to be known
- i dont want to try to close the gap just to impress someone
- i dont care what people think of me
- i dont like going out to town cos theres nothing there
- i dont like being here
let's see if i can change myself and what i think about college life in ktt.
ps : sorry if i was of any trouble
it's 5am and class is at 8
it's almost been a month in ktt and i must say, i kinda miss matrix. ironic since i wanted to get out of matrix so badly before. things are looking pretty good in the rear view mirror. i know i should be looking ahead, heck exam's somewhere in august, presentation is on monday, quiz saturday.....and some other stuff as well. but it feels like im not moving forward. everytime i try to take a step, something else happens. yesterday was no exception. i know you wont read this, but if you happen to come across this by some improbable cosmic fate, i just want to say im sorry. didnt mean for it to happen. it wasnt supposed to end up like that, not by my calculation the very least......but people make mistakes. so, sorry eh.
to be tangential to that, sara bareilles' bittersweet finally made sense the other day, and boyce avenue's change your mind too. i dont want to make another guess of its meaning, my previous mistake was more than enough as a reminder. i'll leave that to you.
ps : you might not get it, but trust me.....let go.
to be tangential to that, sara bareilles' bittersweet finally made sense the other day, and boyce avenue's change your mind too. i dont want to make another guess of its meaning, my previous mistake was more than enough as a reminder. i'll leave that to you.
ps : you might not get it, but trust me.....let go.
the storyteller
i dont do tributes and stuff....but you're an exception.
yasmin ahmad, thank you for you stories. they were inspirational, thought provoking and most importantly, they meant something to everyone.
you'll be dearly missed.
farewell.
yasmin ahmad, thank you for you stories. they were inspirational, thought provoking and most importantly, they meant something to everyone.
you'll be dearly missed.
farewell.
excuses
these days, i cant write. not because i cant put my thoughts to words. but because i dont even know what im thinking in the first place. its like being in a dark room with a torchlight that blinks every damn a fraction of a second. you know you're seeing something, but you cant make out what it actually is.
why?
i may have the answer......but i prefer silence for now
why?
i may have the answer......but i prefer silence for now
just random
Take piano: keys begin, keys end. You know there are 88 of them. Nobody can tell you any different. They are not infinite. You're infinite... And on those keys, the music that you can make... is infinite. I like that. That I can live by...
You rolled out in front of me a keyboard of millions of keys, millions and billions of keys that never end. And that's the truth Max, that they never end. That keyboard is infinite... and if that keyboard is infinite, then on that keyboard there is no music you can play. You're sitting on the wrong bench... That is God's piano.
Christ, did you... did you see the streets, just the streets? There were thousands of them! Then how you do it down there, how do you choose just one... one woman, one house, one landscape to look at, one way to die...?
-1900-
the legend of 1900
You rolled out in front of me a keyboard of millions of keys, millions and billions of keys that never end. And that's the truth Max, that they never end. That keyboard is infinite... and if that keyboard is infinite, then on that keyboard there is no music you can play. You're sitting on the wrong bench... That is God's piano.
Christ, did you... did you see the streets, just the streets? There were thousands of them! Then how you do it down there, how do you choose just one... one woman, one house, one landscape to look at, one way to die...?
-1900-
the legend of 1900
ktt : week1
i suppose everyone doesnt like that feeling when they are leaving their comfort zone. for 17 years, my comfort zone was home....and my family. nope, didnt go to boarding school, didnt go anywhere without my parents. leaving home for matrix was something rather drastic in my life. considering the fact that i dont do laundry, iron, or any house chores.....apart from vacuuming and wiping every single surface in my room whenever exam approaches, or any major events instead of studying. back in matrix, i was still ok with the new environment, because i took into consideration that home is half an hour away....20 minutes if im driving, and if i dont like matrix, i can always opt to go for jpa. plus, i can go back home every week. with this in mind, leaving home wasnt hard, because i never really left it in the first place, considering the fact that i send my laundry home, and because i had an alternative should i hate matrix....which is jpa.
orientation week in matrix made things better, as i found a few friends who are equally insane and hyper at the same time. blending in with everyone isnt my thing, but at least i wasnt the odd one out there. some said their first impression of me was that i was proud....maybe due to the fact that i rarely start a conversation or reply in the least amount of words possible. but things got better. i made more friends, i know more lecturers, i can cope with the studying method there. i was already adjusting to the new atmosphere......i found my comfort zone again in matrix. and thats why matrix didnt feel so bad. well, of course im not the most popular guy in the campus, nor i had a buddy to go makan dinner with or even a friend to go to the library with everyday. but that didnt really matter plainly because i was used to solitude in certain ways.....those ways. point is......i made myself home.
taking up the jpa offer meant that i had to change places. right now, im in ktt, kolej teknologi timur, in sepang. i dont mean to exaggerate, but my first impression of this place was "oh fuck, i screwed up". orientation week was kinda of a task for the first few days....but when it reached the end, we had fun. serious fun. i may not know the names of everyone in my group, nor have i made friends out of these new acquaintances, and the ghost stories i heard from the seniors yesterday didnt make me feel any better....but for once, i think i can learn to be independent. for once, i believe i can create my sanctuary anywhere in the world. but as always, i need someone else to do my laundry and ironing.
orientation week in matrix made things better, as i found a few friends who are equally insane and hyper at the same time. blending in with everyone isnt my thing, but at least i wasnt the odd one out there. some said their first impression of me was that i was proud....maybe due to the fact that i rarely start a conversation or reply in the least amount of words possible. but things got better. i made more friends, i know more lecturers, i can cope with the studying method there. i was already adjusting to the new atmosphere......i found my comfort zone again in matrix. and thats why matrix didnt feel so bad. well, of course im not the most popular guy in the campus, nor i had a buddy to go makan dinner with or even a friend to go to the library with everyday. but that didnt really matter plainly because i was used to solitude in certain ways.....those ways. point is......i made myself home.
taking up the jpa offer meant that i had to change places. right now, im in ktt, kolej teknologi timur, in sepang. i dont mean to exaggerate, but my first impression of this place was "oh fuck, i screwed up". orientation week was kinda of a task for the first few days....but when it reached the end, we had fun. serious fun. i may not know the names of everyone in my group, nor have i made friends out of these new acquaintances, and the ghost stories i heard from the seniors yesterday didnt make me feel any better....but for once, i think i can learn to be independent. for once, i believe i can create my sanctuary anywhere in the world. but as always, i need someone else to do my laundry and ironing.
realise
thank you for making me realise that im only human.
but it's about time for you to do the same.
give yourself a chance to be happy again
but it's about time for you to do the same.
give yourself a chance to be happy again
photo-ish mood again
things i'll never say
meet sam
meet maltose
public shower?
jet boiling water for maggi
walk and more walk
our little mascot lost her left wing
our banner
banner making process
gundams on display in gurney
i might just flip it again
HEADS
go to kolej teknologi timur in sepang for a 2 year foundation programme, pass the minimum requirement which i dont know yet, go to rcmp, royal college of medicine perak in ipoh for degree for 5 years, most likely living in the new hostel, 2 year houseman, 3 year serve govt hospital, 5 remaining years bonded with jpa, take masters. its safer this route, but A levels is going to be hard i suppose and its going to take a longer time, max 2 years extra.
TAILS
stay in matrix for one year, it's halfway through the first semester, work my ass off the get into a decent university that offers me to do medicine, most likely i'll need a 4.0, finish degree in 5 years, 2 years houseman, 3 years serve govt hospital. after that, im a free man, no bloody ten year bond with jpa. this road is way faster, but i would need to compete to get into a proper university....and im doing medicine......putting aside the fact that im a bumiputra, i would still need rather good results to do medicine. and who knows where i'll get.
gravity would resume its services on monday
go to kolej teknologi timur in sepang for a 2 year foundation programme, pass the minimum requirement which i dont know yet, go to rcmp, royal college of medicine perak in ipoh for degree for 5 years, most likely living in the new hostel, 2 year houseman, 3 year serve govt hospital, 5 remaining years bonded with jpa, take masters. its safer this route, but A levels is going to be hard i suppose and its going to take a longer time, max 2 years extra.
TAILS
stay in matrix for one year, it's halfway through the first semester, work my ass off the get into a decent university that offers me to do medicine, most likely i'll need a 4.0, finish degree in 5 years, 2 years houseman, 3 years serve govt hospital. after that, im a free man, no bloody ten year bond with jpa. this road is way faster, but i would need to compete to get into a proper university....and im doing medicine......putting aside the fact that im a bumiputra, i would still need rather good results to do medicine. and who knows where i'll get.
gravity would resume its services on monday
if coffee doesnt wake you up, this will
1. Besides your lips, where is the favourite spot to get kissed?
i have no idea
2. How do you feel when you wake up this morning?
*headbang!
3. Who was the last person you took a photo with?
dont remember....no seriously.
4. Would you consider yourself spoiled?
very, at least relatively
5. Will you ever donate blood?
yea i guess.
6. Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex?
err....does it matter? duh
7. Do you want someone to be dead?
yes, dead people. they should stay that way
8. What does your last text message say?
have fun packing? haha
9. What are you thinking right now?
why did i get tagged?
10. Do you want someone to be with you right now?
yes, santa claus and his flying sleigh. im gonna need it on thursday.
11. What was the time you went to bed last night?
don't remember
12. Is someone on your mind right now?
yea, the person who tagged me
13. Who was the last person who text you?
if the chatbox counts....it would be vkei. haha
ten lucky person to do this quiz:
1. albert einstein
2. leonardo da vinci
3. mother theresa
4. mahatma gandhi
5. hitler
6. ryukendo...*smacks forehead. hahahaha!
7. mussolini
8. fujio f. fujiko
9. santa claus
10. enzo ferrari
14. who is 2 having relationship with?
he's dead
15. is 3 a male or female?
the latter la
16. if 7 and 1 get together, would it be good
*falls over. HAHAHAHAHA.
17. what is 1 studying about?
*was relativity and stuff
18. when was the last time you chatted with them?
never
19. is 4 single?
he was married
20. say smtg about 2
thanks to him, dan brown is rich.
21. what do you think 3 and 6 being together?
HAHAHAHAHAHAH * i really cant take it anymore la
22. describe 9
he's a fiction
23. what will you do if 7 and 6 fight?
*stomach hurts. HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHHA. adoi la
24. do you like 8?
yea, comic wont be the same without him.
i have no idea
2. How do you feel when you wake up this morning?
*headbang!
3. Who was the last person you took a photo with?
dont remember....no seriously.
4. Would you consider yourself spoiled?
very, at least relatively
5. Will you ever donate blood?
yea i guess.
6. Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex?
err....does it matter? duh
7. Do you want someone to be dead?
yes, dead people. they should stay that way
8. What does your last text message say?
have fun packing? haha
9. What are you thinking right now?
why did i get tagged?
10. Do you want someone to be with you right now?
yes, santa claus and his flying sleigh. im gonna need it on thursday.
11. What was the time you went to bed last night?
don't remember
12. Is someone on your mind right now?
yea, the person who tagged me
13. Who was the last person who text you?
if the chatbox counts....it would be vkei. haha
ten lucky person to do this quiz:
1. albert einstein
2. leonardo da vinci
3. mother theresa
4. mahatma gandhi
5. hitler
6. ryukendo...*smacks forehead. hahahaha!
7. mussolini
8. fujio f. fujiko
9. santa claus
10. enzo ferrari
14. who is 2 having relationship with?
he's dead
15. is 3 a male or female?
the latter la
16. if 7 and 1 get together, would it be good
*falls over. HAHAHAHAHA.
17. what is 1 studying about?
*was relativity and stuff
18. when was the last time you chatted with them?
never
19. is 4 single?
he was married
20. say smtg about 2
thanks to him, dan brown is rich.
21. what do you think 3 and 6 being together?
HAHAHAHAHAHAH * i really cant take it anymore la
22. describe 9
he's a fiction
23. what will you do if 7 and 6 fight?
*stomach hurts. HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHHA. adoi la
24. do you like 8?
yea, comic wont be the same without him.
photo-ish mood
somewhere in semarak
theres more than one way to play mahjong
me, my shoe, and songkhla
rock+wave=splash/couldnt get any closer
that would be dad being left behind
studying method for dummies
best way to spend 6 bucks in kl
grandma's stuff
somewhere in hatyai
reason for newly found phobia
lasted for 5days in matrix with only a cup of coins. should have seen the stares when i was paying 4 bucks with only 20cent coins.
this carcinogenic fungus-looking substance apparently disrupts my phone calls.
lecture hall, which is full of the white foam
cute i guess, thats why i took it
the letter
called up jpa, and they said they are sending me to unikl royal college of medicine perak...whatever that is. the intake is in july, so i guess im stuck in matrix for another month. to translate how that feels as of this moment would require keyboard bashing like;
asdasdasbhaxcoausghuabsionbaklashiqwhqiwjfdklasbfaklshfiqownfasfkfhqofhnkalsfhasmfalskfnaslbfasifqbwkflasbfalsfhaisfas
yes..........thats how it feels. im getting adjusted to the new surrounding, i know which cafeteria has the better food, i know which bathroom gets clogged. i can even recognize the cats from my block now. i dont hate this place but still....i want to get out now., i need to, i have to........there are things i have to do, and i've wasted today already, which leaves me with another 2 left. that isnt enough. i need that letter now......shit, they can have back their 1250 bucks. what im asking for is just a little more time.
asdasdasbhaxcoausghuabsionbaklashiqwhqiwjfdklasbfaklshfiqownfasfkfhqofhnkalsfhasmfalskfnaslbfasifqbwkflasbfalsfhaisfas
yes..........thats how it feels. im getting adjusted to the new surrounding, i know which cafeteria has the better food, i know which bathroom gets clogged. i can even recognize the cats from my block now. i dont hate this place but still....i want to get out now., i need to, i have to........there are things i have to do, and i've wasted today already, which leaves me with another 2 left. that isnt enough. i need that letter now......shit, they can have back their 1250 bucks. what im asking for is just a little more time.
keri smith's 100 ideas
1. Go for a walk. Draw or list things you find on the the sidewalk.
2. Write a letter to yourself in the future.
3. Buy something inexpensive as a symbol for your need to create, (new pen, a tea cup, journal). Use it everyday.
4. Draw your dinner.
5. Find a piece of poetry you respond to. Rewrite it and glue it into your journal.
6. Glue an envelope into your journal. For one week collect items you find on the street.
7. Expose yourself to a new artist, (go to a gallery, or in a book.) Write about what moves you about it.
8. Find a photo of a person you do not know. Write a brief bio about them.
9. Spend a day drawing only red things.
12. Make a map of everywhere you went in one day.
13. Draw a map of the creases on your hand, (knuckles, palm)
14. Trace your footsteps with chalk.
15. Record an overheard conversation.
16. Trace the path of the moon in relation to where you live.
17. Go to a paint store. Collect chips of all your favorite colors.
18. Draw your favorite tree.
19. Take 15 minutes to eat an orange.
20. Write a haiku.
21. Hang upside down for five minutes.
22. Hang found objects from tree branches.
23. Make a puppet.
24. Create an outdoor room from things you find in nature.
25. Read a book in one day.
26. Illustrate your grocery list.
27. Read a story out loud to a friend.
28. Write a letter to someone you admire.
29. Study the face of someone you do not like.
30. Make a meal based on a color theme. (i.e. all white).
31. Create a museum of very small things.
32. List the smells in your neighborhood.
33. List 100 uses for a tin can.
34. Fill an entire page in your journal with small circles. Color them in.
35. Give away something you love.
36. Choose an object, draw the side you can't see.
37. List all of the places you've ever lived.
38. Describe your favourite room in detail.
39. Write about your relationship with your washing machine.
40. Draw all of the things in your purse/bag.
41. Make a mini book based on the theme, "my grocery list".
42. Create a character based on someone you know. Write a list of personality traits.
43. Recall your favorite childhood game.
44. Put postcards of art pieces/painting on the inside of your kitchen cupboard doors, so you can see them everyday (but not become deaf to them.)
45. Draw the same object every day for a week.
46. Write in your journal using a different medium (brush & ink, charcoal, old typewriter, crayons, fat markers.
47. Draw the individual items of your favorite outfit.
48. Make a useful item using only paper & tape.
49. Research a celebration or ritual from another culture.
50. Do a temporary art installation using a pad of post it notes & a pen.
51. Draw a map of your favorite sitting spots in your town/city. (photocopy it and give it to someone you like.)
52. Record all of the sounds you hear in the course of one hour.
53. Using a grid, collect various textures from magazine and play them off of each other.
54. Cut out all media for one day. Write about the effects.
55. Make pencil rubbings of six different surfaces.
56. Draw your garbage.
57. Do a morning collage.
58. List your ten most important things, (not including animals or people.)
59. List ten things you would like to do every day.
60. Glue a photo of yourself as a child into your journal.
61. Trasform some garbage.
62. Write an entry in your journal in really LARGE letters.
63. Collect some 'flat' things in nature (leaves, flowers). Glue or tape them into your journal.
64. Physically alter a page. (i.e. cut a hole, pour tea on it, burn it, fold it, etc.)
65. Find several color combinations you respond to in public. Document them using swatches, write where you found them.
66. Write a journal entry describing something "secret". Cut it up into several pieces and glue them back in scrambled.
67. Record descriptions or definitions of subjects or words you are interested in, found in encyclopedias or dictionaries.
68. Draw the outline of an object without looking at the page. (contour drawing).
69. What were you thinking just now? write it down.
70. Do nothing.
71. Write a list of ten things you could to do. Do the last thing on the list.
72. Create an image using dots.
73. Do 3 drawings at different speeds.
74. Put a small object in your left pocket (or in a bag), Put your left hand in the pocket. Draw it by feel.
75. Create a graph documenting or measuring something in your life.
76. Draw the sun.
77. Create instructions for a simple everyday task.
78. Make prints using food. (fruit and vegetables cut in half, fish, etc.)
79. Find a photo. Alter it by drawing over it.
80. Write a letter using an unconventional medium.
81. Draw one object for twenty minutes.
82. Combine two activities that have not been combined before.
83. Write about your day in an encyclopedic fashion. (i.e. organize by subject.)
84. Write a list of all the things you do to escape.
85. Cut a random shape out of several layers of a magazine. Make a collage out of the results.
86. Write an entry in code.
87. Make a painting using tools from the bathroom.
88. Work with a medium that is subtractive.
89. Write about or draw some of the doors in your life.
90. Make a postcard that has some kind of activity on it.
91. Devise a journal entry using "layers".
92. Devise an entry using "layers".
93. Write your own definition of one of the following concepts, sitting, waiting, sleeping (without using the actual word.)
94. List 10 of your habits.
95. Illustrate the concept of "simplicity".
write down and complete five of your own ideas
96. Set the timer of your camera to the max, look only through the viewfinder or screen, and start shooting continuously of what comes across you until the batteries run out.
97. Draw the first thing you see when you wake up from sleep.
98. Write a letter to a friend using lines from movies or songs.
99. Ask a friend to suggest something as no. 99 (talk to a cat in japanese)
100. Dream.
2. Write a letter to yourself in the future.
3. Buy something inexpensive as a symbol for your need to create, (new pen, a tea cup, journal). Use it everyday.
4. Draw your dinner.
5. Find a piece of poetry you respond to. Rewrite it and glue it into your journal.
6. Glue an envelope into your journal. For one week collect items you find on the street.
7. Expose yourself to a new artist, (go to a gallery, or in a book.) Write about what moves you about it.
8. Find a photo of a person you do not know. Write a brief bio about them.
9. Spend a day drawing only red things.
10. Draw your bike.
11. Make a list of everything you buy in the next week.12. Make a map of everywhere you went in one day.
13. Draw a map of the creases on your hand, (knuckles, palm)
14. Trace your footsteps with chalk.
15. Record an overheard conversation.
16. Trace the path of the moon in relation to where you live.
17. Go to a paint store. Collect chips of all your favorite colors.
18. Draw your favorite tree.
19. Take 15 minutes to eat an orange.
20. Write a haiku.
21. Hang upside down for five minutes.
22. Hang found objects from tree branches.
23. Make a puppet.
24. Create an outdoor room from things you find in nature.
25. Read a book in one day.
26. Illustrate your grocery list.
27. Read a story out loud to a friend.
28. Write a letter to someone you admire.
29. Study the face of someone you do not like.
30. Make a meal based on a color theme. (i.e. all white).
31. Create a museum of very small things.
32. List the smells in your neighborhood.
33. List 100 uses for a tin can.
34. Fill an entire page in your journal with small circles. Color them in.
35. Give away something you love.
36. Choose an object, draw the side you can't see.
37. List all of the places you've ever lived.
38. Describe your favourite room in detail.
39. Write about your relationship with your washing machine.
40. Draw all of the things in your purse/bag.
41. Make a mini book based on the theme, "my grocery list".
42. Create a character based on someone you know. Write a list of personality traits.
43. Recall your favorite childhood game.
44. Put postcards of art pieces/painting on the inside of your kitchen cupboard doors, so you can see them everyday (but not become deaf to them.)
45. Draw the same object every day for a week.
46. Write in your journal using a different medium (brush & ink, charcoal, old typewriter, crayons, fat markers.
47. Draw the individual items of your favorite outfit.
48. Make a useful item using only paper & tape.
49. Research a celebration or ritual from another culture.
50. Do a temporary art installation using a pad of post it notes & a pen.
51. Draw a map of your favorite sitting spots in your town/city. (photocopy it and give it to someone you like.)
52. Record all of the sounds you hear in the course of one hour.
53. Using a grid, collect various textures from magazine and play them off of each other.
54. Cut out all media for one day. Write about the effects.
55. Make pencil rubbings of six different surfaces.
56. Draw your garbage.
57. Do a morning collage.
58. List your ten most important things, (not including animals or people.)
59. List ten things you would like to do every day.
60. Glue a photo of yourself as a child into your journal.
61. Trasform some garbage.
62. Write an entry in your journal in really LARGE letters.
63. Collect some 'flat' things in nature (leaves, flowers). Glue or tape them into your journal.
64. Physically alter a page. (i.e. cut a hole, pour tea on it, burn it, fold it, etc.)
65. Find several color combinations you respond to in public. Document them using swatches, write where you found them.
66. Write a journal entry describing something "secret". Cut it up into several pieces and glue them back in scrambled.
67. Record descriptions or definitions of subjects or words you are interested in, found in encyclopedias or dictionaries.
68. Draw the outline of an object without looking at the page. (contour drawing).
69. What were you thinking just now? write it down.
70. Do nothing.
71. Write a list of ten things you could to do. Do the last thing on the list.
72. Create an image using dots.
73. Do 3 drawings at different speeds.
74. Put a small object in your left pocket (or in a bag), Put your left hand in the pocket. Draw it by feel.
75. Create a graph documenting or measuring something in your life.
76. Draw the sun.
77. Create instructions for a simple everyday task.
78. Make prints using food. (fruit and vegetables cut in half, fish, etc.)
79. Find a photo. Alter it by drawing over it.
80. Write a letter using an unconventional medium.
81. Draw one object for twenty minutes.
82. Combine two activities that have not been combined before.
83. Write about your day in an encyclopedic fashion. (i.e. organize by subject.)
84. Write a list of all the things you do to escape.
85. Cut a random shape out of several layers of a magazine. Make a collage out of the results.
86. Write an entry in code.
87. Make a painting using tools from the bathroom.
88. Work with a medium that is subtractive.
89. Write about or draw some of the doors in your life.
90. Make a postcard that has some kind of activity on it.
91. Devise a journal entry using "layers".
92. Devise an entry using "layers".
93. Write your own definition of one of the following concepts, sitting, waiting, sleeping (without using the actual word.)
94. List 10 of your habits.
95. Illustrate the concept of "simplicity".
write down and complete five of your own ideas
96. Set the timer of your camera to the max, look only through the viewfinder or screen, and start shooting continuously of what comes across you until the batteries run out.
97. Draw the first thing you see when you wake up from sleep.
98. Write a letter to a friend using lines from movies or songs.
99. Ask a friend to suggest something as no. 99 (talk to a cat in japanese)
100. Dream.
somehow here is gone
i said i drew that line, and yet now im standing on it.
i thought i can maintain the distance, and yet, its me who was closing in
i thought i'll never fall into that trap, and yet, i let myself get caught
i told them it's nothing, but i guess i lied
i thought it was mechanical, and yet i can't figure it out now
i told myself it wouldnt be anything, and now, it's like everything
i tried to act like a gentleman, now im calling myself an opportunist
i thought honesty would solve the problem, so why am i still putting up a facade
i built this wall with only windows, but now theres an open door
i was expecting, hoping for another answer.............because it'd kept things simple
its like a magic trick i suppose.
the pledge was nothing out of the ordinary,
the turn was full of hints and clues, yet no one was looking,
and the prestige is how it is supposed to end, with a pleasant surprise.
but of course, in life, or magic tricks, or anything else............
shit happens.
i thought i can maintain the distance, and yet, its me who was closing in
i thought i'll never fall into that trap, and yet, i let myself get caught
i told them it's nothing, but i guess i lied
i thought it was mechanical, and yet i can't figure it out now
i told myself it wouldnt be anything, and now, it's like everything
i tried to act like a gentleman, now im calling myself an opportunist
i thought honesty would solve the problem, so why am i still putting up a facade
i built this wall with only windows, but now theres an open door
i was expecting, hoping for another answer.............because it'd kept things simple
its like a magic trick i suppose.
the pledge was nothing out of the ordinary,
the turn was full of hints and clues, yet no one was looking,
and the prestige is how it is supposed to end, with a pleasant surprise.
but of course, in life, or magic tricks, or anything else............
shit happens.
the longest 5 days
day one, registration day at KMPP, penang matriculation college. registration was from 8smtg till noon. i went at 11. it saved me the trouble of congestion and long queues, and waking up early. got the room key, a bed sheet, and a pillow, along with some other stuff, ran up to C2.3.12, dumped everything in the cupboard, rushed back to sp, watched the district finals.....and our school won. then drove again to kmpp. met my roommates, 2 malay dudes, one from kelantan, one i forgot, and one chinese guy from pahang. i did have some serious trouble sleeping, because of the heat. slept at 3, woke up at 5-6...i was blur, for subuh prayers. the night was so hot, that taking a shower at 5am was not a problem.
we had some programmes throughout the orientation week, none seemed to have a purpose. here's the thing i did everyday there. wake up at 5, shower, prayers, morning exercise, tutorials, prayers, more tutorials, prayers again, exercise a little more, prayers, speeches, prayers, and the whole thing finishes around 11, kacau someone by texting till i feel sleepy, and wake up in the middle of the night because it's so hot, try to go back to sleep and wake up at 5 yet again for another brand new day. i had my meals at random times, whenever im not dead, sleeping or praying. i got into praktikum.......however you spell it, F2P6, meaning i got into physics instead of biology. so i changed into H5P1 on the last day, into biology. there wasnt much fuss about the change of courses in kmpp, but i dont know about other places.
the exercises includes a poco poco dance.........yes, i do feel like killing myself now, the chicken dance, the taichi, and the ayumi dance. while tutorials, conducted by mentors and facilitators have different stuff everyday, like money and time management lesson, all those character building talks and activities. the maghrib prayers were done outdoors, followed by a kuliah, then isyak, then another lecture from some guy i dont care from where talking about stuff i didnt bother listening to, and for all 4 hours, of 5 days, we had to wear the same shirt they gave us on the registration day. that translates to 20 hours of being sweaty and stinky and having breathing difficulties. i havent even add the subuh prayers to that 20 hours yet. and yes, this week alone, i had more prayers than my anual averages.
the tutorials were filled with some talks, games for little children and moments where gnawing off one's leg seemed the only way to remain sane. in fact, i didnt even have this many silly games back in kindergarten. and for some major events, we were required to have a rehearsal the day before. we had to practise clapping!!!! just to kiss someone's bloody ass!!!
theres 5 guys, and 19 girls in my bio praktikum. the guys are really funny though, kinda surprising since it's a bio class. the bio facilitator is one of the happiest and jumpy person i've ever seen. when we were lining up along the road to bid some dude a retirement farewell, we had to wait for the dude for like an hour. the faci was the one that came up with the idea of doing all that ayumi dance in the middle of the road. and for once, the dance didnt feel so stupid after all. being the only praktikum to dance and start initiating mexican wave whenever a car passed by, it was kinda fun. plainly because no one else did it and no one ordered us to. the faci only suggested it. doing something silly when told not to can be entertaining sometimes.
the only thing that kept me alive during the 5 days was my sagem....which has 3 of its button coming off the keypad.
my block.
outdoor prayers on the dataran pelajar
surau
my place
nowhere
and i did wear the baju melayu in the end. but no songkok. and definitely no picture. haha!
we had some programmes throughout the orientation week, none seemed to have a purpose. here's the thing i did everyday there. wake up at 5, shower, prayers, morning exercise, tutorials, prayers, more tutorials, prayers again, exercise a little more, prayers, speeches, prayers, and the whole thing finishes around 11, kacau someone by texting till i feel sleepy, and wake up in the middle of the night because it's so hot, try to go back to sleep and wake up at 5 yet again for another brand new day. i had my meals at random times, whenever im not dead, sleeping or praying. i got into praktikum.......however you spell it, F2P6, meaning i got into physics instead of biology. so i changed into H5P1 on the last day, into biology. there wasnt much fuss about the change of courses in kmpp, but i dont know about other places.
the exercises includes a poco poco dance.........yes, i do feel like killing myself now, the chicken dance, the taichi, and the ayumi dance. while tutorials, conducted by mentors and facilitators have different stuff everyday, like money and time management lesson, all those character building talks and activities. the maghrib prayers were done outdoors, followed by a kuliah, then isyak, then another lecture from some guy i dont care from where talking about stuff i didnt bother listening to, and for all 4 hours, of 5 days, we had to wear the same shirt they gave us on the registration day. that translates to 20 hours of being sweaty and stinky and having breathing difficulties. i havent even add the subuh prayers to that 20 hours yet. and yes, this week alone, i had more prayers than my anual averages.
the tutorials were filled with some talks, games for little children and moments where gnawing off one's leg seemed the only way to remain sane. in fact, i didnt even have this many silly games back in kindergarten. and for some major events, we were required to have a rehearsal the day before. we had to practise clapping!!!! just to kiss someone's bloody ass!!!
theres 5 guys, and 19 girls in my bio praktikum. the guys are really funny though, kinda surprising since it's a bio class. the bio facilitator is one of the happiest and jumpy person i've ever seen. when we were lining up along the road to bid some dude a retirement farewell, we had to wait for the dude for like an hour. the faci was the one that came up with the idea of doing all that ayumi dance in the middle of the road. and for once, the dance didnt feel so stupid after all. being the only praktikum to dance and start initiating mexican wave whenever a car passed by, it was kinda fun. plainly because no one else did it and no one ordered us to. the faci only suggested it. doing something silly when told not to can be entertaining sometimes.
the only thing that kept me alive during the 5 days was my sagem....which has 3 of its button coming off the keypad.
my block.
outdoor prayers on the dataran pelajar
surau
my place
nowhere
and i did wear the baju melayu in the end. but no songkok. and definitely no picture. haha!
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