hey...

it's raining here, coupled with a few lightnings, cool ones if i may. whenever im confused, its either i write a post without the minutiae or just crap and start keyboard bashing. its easy, because i can empty my mind and people won't trouble themselves trying to help me because they would have no idea what's going on. i blog without making sense because my mind doesnt too.

now, i've found my sanctuary, right in the middle of this pandemonium. funny i suppose, to the extend of irony perhaps. climbing the hill does help, of course, the walkman is an indispensable item as well. it's not that i find the solution to my problems, but rather, it just take my mind off everything. i mean, i have to actually pay attention to my footing when i get to the rocky parts, so the only thing that would be running in a tape loop in my head is "ben, don't slip, don't fall, don't screw up". it does work, and that would explain the lack of updates from me. thats a darn long excuse eh?

but today, well, siren didnt call because i forget to ask, and i set my alarm at 6am instead of 6pm and i overslept. which directly translates to i didnt get my uphill walk and im here trying to write what i feel without letting anyone actually escape this conundrum im setting up.

honestly, im lost for words, im in a nonplussed condition and i have no idea what im talking about. i've been thinking about what would happen if i told you everything 2 years earlier. i wonder whether it can last till now. wonder if it's ever going to work. did i just miss my window 2 years back? i know things would be different, but i can't say for the better because im not judgmental......but at least i would know where i stand.

shit, i gotta stop before i start comparing. its not fair. what im trying to say is........nevermind.
how can you keep saying "No" when you still call me up when there's a thunderstorm?