do you have an idol? do you have someone that you admire? someone you look up to? do you envy that person? do you want to be like that person?.........whatever you answer is, the last one can only have a NO as a reply. why would you want to be more of someone else?
people made mistakes, and i just found out that it was a big mistake for me, for having that thought "wish i can be more like him". im not trying to be like narcissus, i dont want to try to be like anyone. when i stepped into the life of a secondary school student, i once, looked up to him, and now, things make more sense when i ask myself "why should i?".
admiration, envy, jealousy, i had all that, and when i started to compare, i wanted to be more like him. i wanted to have his qualities, the things that attracted me to him. i was.....yeah, jealous. i wished my life was more interesting, like his, i wished my list of buddies was as long as his, i wished i can be outspoken like him, wished to be able to be more noticed. yeah, its lame. but the worst part was that i was lost in that shit, for quite a number of years....YEARS! i didnt see myself nowhere as good as he was.
i did try.....to be him....and now, im telling myself "what the fuck was wrong with me at that time?". heh, i wish i knew. i failed to see my own strength and his good side that seemed to be ideal, or more accepted, caught my attention....but like the moon, you cant see the other side if you aint going round it. and when i found the dark side.....i was glad, that i am me.
im not just talking about that dark side of the force.......im not just saying that darth vader is bad, im saying trying to be like anakin himself is already destroying your soul ( i hate that word ). self-esteem isnt something im full of, but now, im not lacking it either, at least compared to 4 years ago. im not telling that using someone else as an example to improve is suicidal, but trying to be like him is pretty much similar to go back in time and prevent your birth. it justifies your existence, in some degrees.
now i see, and understand, that my weaknesses is also something i should be able to claim MINE! im not smart like him, so? i cant act friendly in front of people i dont want to know, so? i cant be cool, im not talkative, i hate doing math, i hate working, i hate homework, i hate asking teachers questions i know they wont answer, i hate walking quickly, i hate happy songs, i mean, really happy songs, i dont get along the rest, i hate washing my face with the watercooler, i hate eating at the cafeteria, i hate clapping everytime a dude finishes his speech, i sweat more than anyone else, i hate walking about in school, i hate pretending to be interested in subjects, i hate making new, unknown friends, i like talking back, i like being ignorant, i like to use physical force when i need to, im no negotiator, i hate being the medium between two idiots who refuse to talk to each other, i hate saying yes to every single thing, i hate listening to people who talk rubbish, i hate high pitched people, i hate talking unnecessarily, i cant be holy, im a pervert, im a vehiclophile, i dont waste time with sudoku, i like reading only the comic strips in the newspapers, only comics, i have more toys than books, i hate being "happy", i hate people accusing me of some shit just because i was there, i like cursing and swearing, i hate useless advices..........yeah, thats me, its me alright. and i can say that again if anyone ask me. no shame in that......im not necessarily be proud of it, but i dont feel bad at all.
not that i hate him, its just that.......it occurred to me that.......the world doesnt need two similar people. im not perfect, no one is, honestly, im no good at all, but heck, if imperfection and flaws make the bigger part of me, im not changing it until i really want to, for my sake.
i aint doing it for anyone. i hate being told what to do......and when its done repeatedly, its not helping either. why must i be someone im not, let alone him?
right now, you can give me the choice to be anyone in the world, anyone.......and not one person since the beginning of time till now can make me feel that i dont want to be myself......no one.
if im at the losing end, too bad la, but at least i can say, whats so bad about me? that alone, is enough to glue my world back together. super glue is what everyone needs.
2 comments:
just a question; why do you hate making new unknown friends?
and do you realise that you typed this "the things that attracted me to him" =) i'm sorry...dont get mad at me! running high on sugar.
i understand what you're saying but there is a question (yes another one which you dont have to answer); if a person does not like who she/he is, is there anything wrong in changing? Taking others as an example and moulding a new personality in oneself?
you sound...angry. its scary.
......ok, im not friendly, and unknown as in pop out nowhere and jump at you as if u guys are real close.
2nd, it takes more than that to piss me off, my head was malfunctioning that time, so take it as language error, i used the wrong term for the wrong sentence, and yes, it sounded very wrong indeed.
if u do understand, why the questions?? and i like talking back remember...? back to ur questions, its not wrong...improving oneself is good, but that does mean that you dont accept a part of u at the same time,....the coin has two sides, and this one is very subjective indeed.
maybe i was angry....and its very rare to see me angry in real life....unless u wake me up from my evening nap, cos km did it once, and i felt like killing him the whole day...as in bashing him to a pulp kind of angry.
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