day thirty

so you are almost there. this is your last letter. finish this letter and you are going to complete that stupid letter challenge you took in the first place. you have no idea what the challenge is for, and you have no idea why you took it. perhaps because you want to do some soul searching. it kinda worked. heck, you're talking to yourself now. do it in public and you'll have to see a shrink soon.

so you have to talk to at least 29 other people before you can talk to yourself huh. sure a long wait just to beat the crap out of yourself. what are you afraid of? what angers you? what makes you turn cold but still try to fake a smile? maybe certain things are best left unsaid after all.

what is bothering you? you've done everything you can think of, and you're not asking for much. but even that doesn't turn out right. you give it your best and fate still manages to fuck it up. maybe your best is not good enough and it will never be. maybe you should just give up. maybe you can't fight fate. you can try but it's a losing battle. you don't really care that your grades were bad, the fact that you're kinda alone in college, or you were so close to hitting your housemate, or all that shitty nightmares you've been getting. you just want to feel belonged. maybe that's why you want to go home so badly. maybe that's why you try so hard to make the people you love happy. but nothing is right.

you're never gonna be superman.

day twenty nine

hi mom,

im sorry i bought a guitar. and i did some other stuff too which probably won't make you too happy when you find out. i figured that sometimes, certain things are best left untold. im sorry if i was wrong.

your rebellious son,

benjamin

day twenty eight

hey,

you've changed my life more than you would ever realise. and i thank you for that. thank you for making a roller coaster out of cable cars.

yours gratefully

benjamin

day twenty seven

hello there,

still remember me? the guy you sat next to during jpj test? have you pass the B2 license yet? anyway, what are you up to now? still sticking with accounting? i know it's kinda random for me to write this but i have this 30 letter day challenge thing going on. still, it's nice poking people randomly. do reply when you have the time. oh, before i forget, thanks for teaching me how to fold a crane. it was you wasn't it? heh. now i shall excuse myself and continue my work. nice knowing you by the way.

yours sincerely,

benjamin

day twenty six

hey

you know i'll keep my promise right...

yours,

benjamin

day twenty five

hey

i know things aren't working so well for you. i can't say i know how it feels because i haven't been in your shoes. but i do know that you can't give up no matter what. use every ounce of strength you have left and get through this. once it's all over, everything's gonna be ok. i'll be there if you need me.

yours, at all times,

benjamin

day twenty four

hey

yea, it's me again. seems like you've been getting most of my letters. kinda shows that you're a big part in my life. anyway, about this letter, i want to thank you for the sweetest memory, our first date, or whatever it was back then.

it was our last chance to see each other before both of us had to go somewhere. it was supposed to be a normal meet up with my friends, but stuff came up and it was only the two of us.

i still remember when we had to exchange presents. you prepared the whole night making it and i did mine in 30 minutes inside mph, after buying a sketchpad and a pen. im sorry it was a lousy present.

i still remember what we both wore. i've never seen you in that again actually. and you'd never see me in that again because the dobi lost that shirt.

that date means so much because it was the beginning of everything, a door to all possibilities. i had no idea where we stood, or where we were going but that didn't seem to matter because it still made me happy. so many questions unanswered, stories yet to be told, the past that still lurked around. at that point, i was falling in love. your gravity pulled me in and somehow put everything else in place. i had no idea where i fell from, or where im going to land. all i know that it felt like i was flying. thank you.

yours gratefully,

benjamin

day twenty three

hey,

i still owe you a coke float. oh, and i love you =)

yours, with love,

benjamin

day twenty two

hey,

i know you kinda screw things up. but everybody makes mistakes. what matters is that you learn from them and try not to let it happen again. stop beating yourself down because of this stuff. there are better things to do. look, if you still want to live in your own world of regret, go ahead but don't drag those who care about you along. so if you give a damn about people around you, stand up and put an end to this. start again and if you fall, get back up again. i hate to break it to you but that's life. if you need help, you know how to reach me. till then.

yours, with fever and bad temper,

benjamin

they'd say anything....

"sex education in schools is also a must to prevent from young girls from being involved in premarital sex" -hamidah mumamad jafar, Putatan Puteri UMNO divison chief.

"for example, the commercials on sanitary pads are openly shown on tv and this could influence the young to get involved in social ills" -azura mohd afandi, Johor Baru Puteri UMNO chief.

"what im saying is not surprising. in the 20th century, we have seen cases of punishment wihtout trial in the US, the holocaust tragedy in Europe, the slaughter of palestinians in the Middle East and the ethnic cleansing in Bosnia and Rwanda. imagine what is the outcome, if every generation of malaysians question the social contract which were agreed upon their forefathers" -najib, Prime Minister of Malaysia.

*facepalm*

day twenty one

hey,

i probably owe this to more than one person, but to you especially. im sorry i judged you on first impression. im not trying to make it sound better by saying almost everyone does it too, because i have a better excuse. the first time i saw you, you were on stage, debating, as a 3rd speaker. you were furious, witty, eloquent, a bit scary and would probably kill me with the mic stand if i were your opponent.

off the stage, you were completely different. you were actually a really nice person. like i said, everyone judge a book by its cover. but in my defence, i would say that i'd still give that book another chance, and keep flipping the pages and really make up my mind about it later. what im trying to say is that, whatever first impression i have, its dynamic, not static. it changes with time, with how much i get to know a person. and i wouldn't say i've finished reading those books, but i think i've found a few great friends hidden between the many pages.

yours sincerely,

benjamin

day twenty

hey,

i don't wish to bring up the past. no point in it. what i want to say is that, what happened doesn't matter anymore. things happens, so does complications and people get hurt. it's only natural that one takes time to understand another, and that takes time, and patience and sometimes getting hurt is part of the process. if anything, i want to thank you for making me realise that someone as cold as me does have a heart, one that can break.

i wish you the best of luck and i wish you well.

yours,

benjamin

day nineteen

time to pay up the rent no?

benjamin

day eighteen

hey

i know you're a freaking rich guy now because you bought that lucky lottery number. so, mind telling me what the numbers were and when exactly to buy?

your miserable, broke old self,

benjamin

day seventeen

oi

going back home anytine soon? im sick of college and mum disapprove of bus at the moment.

yours, stuck in college for way too long,

benjamin

day sixteen

hey,

how are things over there? haven't IM you lately. haven't see anything new on your facebook, so i guess you're busy as well. so im gonna cut this short. i hope everything's working well for you. and please let me know when you happen to drop by this hopeless country again.

till then, all the best.

yours from far far away,

benjamin

day fifteen

hey

we haven't meet up for some time now. i really wish you could come over soon. i've got something for you. i don't know if this bait would work, but i miss you.

yours only,

benjamin

day fourteen

hey,

i don't know if you still remember me. but we were in the same class in primary 5 and 6. yea, the half chinese half malay guy. that was me.

i remember when we were prefects and had to do our duties. my favourite was taking back the flags for keeping. kinda fun because we'd play in the hall for a while after we're done with it. i still haven't forgot the day puan kalsom said you have the best handwriting in class. we were obsessed about that for a while. heh. i think we were two of her favourite students back then. before we become prefects, we were little rascals. having broom fights in class after school. hard to believe you became head of prefects. hahhaa

anyway, after primary six, we went to different schools. after you, i don't really have any good malay friends anymore. there are classmates, but that's it. we didn't really keep in touch, i never found out why. when you came back for HAC, i was glad things weren't awkward when we talked. i realised that we were on different paths and probably wouldn't see each other again. it was nice seeing you again. i just want to wish you the best in life. and thank you for making my primary school life enjoyable.

your buddy,

benjamin

day thirteen

please forgive me i know not what i do

im really sorry.

yours sincerely,

benjamin

day twelve

day eleven

hey

im not the most talkative in the family, as you'd notice. we rarely talk, other than customary greetings and really short chats. now that we are in different worlds, i come to think about you once in a while, though a lot less lately. i just want to tell you that we are doing fine. nothing to worry about us. now that you see things from a different angle, maybe you would know that im going to do the right thing. maybe not all nice and sweet and heroic, still the right thing. it's not such a great deal of a battle, but it's a battle nonetheless, one which we all have to go through everyday and if we did good, we can go to bed with no guilt, no fear, no regrets. i can. and i hope you are proud of that.

your grandson,

benjamin

day ten

hey,

can you go online? if not, can i call? i really want to talk to you.

yours truly,

benjamin

crashing into an epiphany

the faster you go, the harder you crash. but if you're lucky enough, even for the shortest moment, you'll feel like you're flying.

thing is, being in love feels kinda the same. and i am.

thank you =)

day nine

dear God,

we need to talk.

your undefined believer,

benjamin

day eight

hey

i haven't seen you online lately. guess you're busy huh. i hope you get all my emails. i don't really know because you rarely reply.

funny how we know each other. i still don't remember how i have you on my friendster. that was almost 4 years ago. it's been a long way since then. i guess what really bridged the gap was my friendster blog which seemed rather controversial as this one as well. its good to know that there is someone out there who actually read my what i wrote.

im sorry that sometimes, i sound rather rude online. can't help it. words can only convey so much, and a simple "hey" can be said in so many ways. a simple "ok" would be misleading at certain times.

anyway, i just hope that we can find commitment in ourselves to keep emailing and stuff. perhaps video call when there's an opportunity?

yours sincerely,

benjamin

day seven

hey,

it's been a while huh. perhaps long enough for you to stop avoiding me? i wouldn't exactly say i have a crush on you. i was young and stupid. maybe the latter is still kinda glued onto me. my mistake was telling a friend about you, and it spread like wildfire. should have keep my mouth shut tight eh?

anyway, just want to say sorry for wasting your time trying to avoid me. i hope you can laugh at this stuff in the years to come.

yours truly,

benjamin

day six

why hello there,

nope, we haven't met before. and i don't think i have you on facebook. wanna have coffee or something later?

your soon-to-be acquaintance,

benjamin

day five

hey

finally, time to set things straight. i have no idea what kind of dream you are. you come and go as you please and lately, you've taken the most hideous form. maybe you were nice when i was a kid. but seriously, i don't remember having a good dream for years.

think im bullshitting? you managed to scare the shit out of me when you showed me how i was murdered either with a gunshot at the back of my head or getting stabbed with a kitchen knife. if that wasn't enough, you've even made me feel like im invisible. yea, thanks a lot. you really are a good reason to hate sleep.

even your deja vu's aren't helpful. im no fortune teller, but it'd be nice to get a warning sometimes you know.

try to be nice sometimes. i've had reality bad enough.

your sad pathetic victim,

benjamin

day four

er...hey

i honestly have no idea what to say. and i think you'd prefer i keep my mouth shut. but i don't want to quit doing this letter thing just yet. we don't really look like we're close huh. we don't even look alike. but our interests are the same. well, im more obsessed towards eva green than leah dizon if you really want go into details. we only meet up once in a while, either for yong tau fu or getting stuff from lowyat. and i know we don't ever call each other unless there's something. i think it'd be cooler that way. im not saying we're cold, just cool with each other. don't think there's awkwardness whenever we talk.

you're a great brother. with an even greater sense of humour. you comments on my blog is worth a good laugh. i know you've sorta set a benchmark for us. the good thing is im not competitive, and have no interest in sibling rivalry. the things i did, debate, jpa....i didn't do them to prove im better. i just want to be different. i've already felt like a nobody in school. being someone's shadow at home would have driven me off the bridge.

here's some facts. you're a great driver. crazy yes, so was ayrton senna, im not saying you're that great. but it's fun experiencing locking brakes, or G's in normal roads. you're smart. up to the point i hate the way you can do add math so easily. you play games the night before an exam. well, i do too, but our results would differ. you're a tech geek and you're really good at it. and i think you've got a good girlfriend that you've yet to introduce to me. im still waiting.

one last thing, whatever happened to my other power supply? =p

your brother,

benjamin

woohoo!

day three

dear mom,

i bet you didn't see this coming huh. mom, i owe you a lot. gratitude and apologies. you have been a wonderful mother. anyone can make babies, but you certainly know how to raise them. i wouldn't say that we siblings are the best sons, but i know none of us will do anything to dishonour our family. marrying someone with a completely different family background must be something big for you. and yet, our family stands right in the middle of the differences. we have our own cultures, our own way of living. we didn't just take bits from dad's family and yours, we took the best of both.

sometimes, a child with parents of different races feels lost without an identity. that never happened to us. we know what we are and we are proud of it. i remember what you used to tell me, "you are not a chinese or a malay. you are ahmad benjamin". one hell of a way to tell your kids they are unique mom =).

i know you've help me make important decisions in my life. i know i wouldn't be here without you. and i thank you for that. you've driven us to excel in our studies. im pretty sure the we have some sort of reputation in ibrahim school. even with different religious backgrounds, you managed to instill moral order in us. im not religious, but i still know what is right and what is wrong better than some.

mom, i want to say im sorry. i've lied to you about a certain things. i did tell you everything about it, but you don't seem to remember it. so i thought why not play along and wait for the right moment. you don't like me going out with my friends so often. and i understand why. even a friend laughed at me and said we are 19 year olds and we don't really need permission to go out. but i didn't mind. i dont think being able to go out freely is a sign of becoming an adult. sometimes, i don't mind staying home for the whole day. though a trip to mee thajuddin for tahpau-ing would be nice.

im 19 now mom. and im kinda proud that i don't have to burden dad with my daily expenses. i just want to tell you that im grown up now. you have raised me well. so i doubt i'll make any major mistakes in life. im glad you listened to me about moving from matriculation to ktt. i know it was hectic. coming down to nilai from kedah, without an offer letter. but it worked. im doing medicine because you wanted me to, and because i think i can make this world a better place. sure, there's plenty of other ways of going around that. but why not do something that others can't do and get paid generously right?

mom, maybe i don't tell you this, but i like being home. 6 hours of a bus ride is nothing short of a signboard with neon lights.

your dearest son,

benjamin

dear dad,

thank you for being a great dad. we've never been compromised when it comes to spending. i know you don't pamper us with gifts or toys. i know the tax and the bills are sucking away your salary. and seeing what we have now, with how much you get paid. i think we're doing great. i know you think going to starbucks is a waste of money. like vj's dad said, "you're not paying for the coffee, you're paying for the lifestyle". but you don't mind spending a lot everyday for good food.

i know we don't talk a lot. sons tend to be closer to the mothers. i remember the time when my friends came over. that's when you realised i can speak good english and vice versa. that was really funny. plus, my friends think you're a cool dad. i guess your jokes about girlfriends work.

im sorry for the insane phone bills. i did the math wrongly. it was supposed to be 200, not 600. and thank you for not exploding. i hope you see that i've taken some responsibility by using prepaid now. and im still spending using my jpa allowances. im glad i don't have to take any more money from you, yet. which is why i took the jpa offer. i want to be independent. thank you for letting me make most of my decisions. and thanks for giving a second opinion. it helped a lot. you treat me as an adult already and it feels really good.

dad, the next time you want to buy a car. please test drive it first. i think the new tuscon is a good option. still, you gotta test drive it. if you feel really generous about getting me a car for my first year in medic school, the ford fiesta would be nice. but i don't mind driving brother's saga till i save up my own money for my car. and i know you don't want me to ride bikes. but the ninja is way too seducing. i promise i won't go above 160km/h, k.

your dearest son,

benjamin

day two

hey,

i never thought that i would write you a love letter, not one like this anyway. you may not realise it, but i find myself helplessly falling in love you again and again and again.

it has been quite a while since we first met. im kinda glad that it wasn't like any other hollywood love at first sight. i wouldn't want the story of my love life start ordinarily like the rest. maybe that's why i fell for you. because you are different. anyone who knows you well enough would agree with me.

you have been my source of inspiration. in fact. that was my initial feeling towards you. awe. and that somehow changed into the inevitable. it wasn't easy for me to admit it. i might risk losing a good friend and that is not worth it. so i kept myself in a bubble of denial. wasn't long till the bubble burst. funny they call it falling in love when it actually feels like flying. that's how you make me feel. thank you. now, all i ask is for you to take my hand and i'll return the favor.

i love you.

yours with love

benjamin

minesweeper

i have never swore this much when playing a game.