PJK......the license to act like an idiot

thanks to tm, yet again, i lost my net connection for 3 days. i have just realised, that life would be really easy and simple if it were to be similar to PJK, as in pendidikan jasmani dan kesihatan. no, im not talking about whats in the goddamn textbook or what my teacher has been doing the past years, though he's not so bad....im merely talking about what it means to me, football.

i used to be an EPL fan, until the Roman dude sacked jose, then i just lost interest in EPL, plainly because jose likes to talk, and he's got sarcasm plus the guts to use it to piss his own boss....something eh? but playing football is a completely different matter, you dont have a coach, you dont have a referee, forget about corners, forget about skills, forget everything but the ball, and the people who are in the field. im one of the few malay dudes who didnt have a kampung-style childhood, where your parents let you play football barefoot till sunset, heck, i never own a football....instead, i got a game console....yup, that translates it to a GEEK.

but...but, who says you need experience to kick a ball. i cant even kick a ball in a straight line, and guess what, i stole a ball from the guy who represents my school in it, in fact, two of them. all you ever need to play football is a bunch of similarly enthusiastic friends, a ball, a good field, two goal posts....and maybe some luck and guts. it can be dangerous, heck, i kick a ball to the same dude's nose, i was freaking scared that i might break his nose at that time, luckily, i didnt....and this is a game where legs and the football itself can go to the wrong places....trust me, been there, done that. you dont chase the ball the whole time, you just wait at the possible areas where its gonna land, get it, pass it to the other friend, or run into the opponent occasionally.

enough description bout football, you should understand how it works by now, rite km? once you are on the field, nothing else matters, you put the world behind, and go for the ball. once you are on the field, you wont run back to get behind the lines, you stay in it until someone whos got a watch shouts RECESS. or will you? theres two ways to not be on the field,
1) you never set foot on it in the 1st place
2) you walk out.

now, im in the middle of something, the football field say, and i just realised, i cant put everything behind me....because if i can, then i wouldnt be typing these word down. CHOICES. to make a choice is one thing, to retract it is a different story. and now, i can only do the later.......but should i?

ever watch a movie where the main character has to choose, remember neo? save trinity or zion? well, he pulled it off, only to kill her later and himself in the end. or in korean dramas, the girl usually have to choose whether to be with the guy, or follow what other parties want. get the pic? yeah, im in that kind of situation only that i doubt in such a happy ending.

again, i just realised that im doing something i love now, other than pjk....it took me more than a year to know what i really want, and this time, im sure of it....i love it, not just when our names are announced last, not when im being congratulated, not when i get the trophy, not when im skipping class, not when i do something stupid in the discipline room, but every minute of it. but what happens when it clashes........with other people who care about you? what if your interest clashes with that of others around you? can you justify yours? i still cant....and now that i have the ball in my posession, should i run to the other side and score the goal, or should i pass the ball to the other dude and get substituted? i have already made my choice to be in it, and now, i can only choose one of the two. which one shall it be?

i cant tell which is the better choice, i dont believe in certainty, but right now, i want to make a choice that i can always look back in the future and say i have no regrets in making that descision, not one bit, i want to be proud of my own actions. is it too selfish of me to do things that i really want to, at the expense of other people? or am i a person who only know what he had been told to do?

im willing to pay the price to go for it, be responsible of my own actions, choices.....as long as it doesnt involve others....but thats not true....it does involve people who have hopes for me, and when its coming from both sides, its never getting clearer.

either way, i will feel guilty to one party, but which choice wont make me feel guilty towards myself. not being able to do both is one part of guilt too.....deep shit eh?