im not much of a planner. i barely have things laid out for tomorrow, let alone my plan for my future. this could be one of the deciding moments in life that one rarely finds a restart button, and i still dont know what im doing.
the constant things that my parents have been telling me for the past two years is "medicine, doctor, colourblind, gifted". im supposed to do medicine to become a doctor because i should not waste my gift and because my colourblindness limits my choice of career. i don't see any reason why i shouldn't be a doctor, but the same applies vice versa. but somehow, they do. it's a stable career, there's always a high demand, good pay, relax working life, and you'll be giving your service to the public. what they forgot is to ask me whether im afraid of blood. 2 years of brainwashing and they left out the most important part. so much for planning, it must run in the family.
so, i have absolutely no idea what the next 5 years or 10 have in store for me, and i have no question either, but one. suppose i do become a medical officer, or perhaps a specialist, and i screw up......what's going to happen to me. i actually asked this today to the doctor who was in the accidents & emergency dept. her reply, was rather hypothetical; as long as you have done your best, then you shouldn't feel guilty. back to reality, shit happens and people make mistakes. i mean, no one is at their best every day. one day, i might just give the wrong meds, or cut the wrong parts.....fact is, no one's perfect, and that's going to catch up on me sooner or later. the main difference is, if i choose other fields, or careers, my mistakes would not be so severe, or perhaps, would not be give a direct impact. worst come to worst, i trigger a chain of reaction of mistakes and a whole lot of people are in deep shit, and we all share the blame. but as a doctor, my mistakes or misconduct would consequently affect the life and death of a patient. how can i handle death if im the one who invited him over to see my patient? can anyone? as realistic as i try to be, i don't see a carbon-based life form developed by eons of evolution undergoing a natural process of dying when i screw up. i see my hands around their necks......
no thanks to the mices
i might be a whole lot shallower than i thought. im jumping and screaming for passing my jpj test. this is weird, but getting my P is more exciting than getting a bloody straight As. ok, so i spilled the beans........i didnt plan to put my results here, but heck, it's been 5 days, it's no big stuff, not anymore. i don't think the feeling when i got my upsr, pmr and spm results all combined into one could match this one. i think driving really turn my hyper switch on. i know driving won't be fun, because you need to make sure you don't kill little kids when your doing 120km/h without spilling your milo bungkus, because you need to make sure you don't scratch the car that you're paying for the next 10 years of your working life, and because malaysia has bad drivers and bad roads. still, right now, i dont care how reality works.
went to jvc driving school at 9, got back at 5.30. says a lot about rotting away right? and i ate the food there for the 1st and last time. cant believe a plate of rice with only one type of dish and iced milo cost 5.90. the bike test went on smoothly, but the car was ciplang, really ciplang. because i was doing bike and car on the same day, i had to do bike, then only car. by the time i finish bike test and took my number for car.....it was 178. then there was the car. the kancil for the bukit was fine, except that the throttle isn't as sensitive as the one i practised with. then the kancil for the parking and three point turn had mices running the wheels instead of an engine. if ever there was a "perlumbaan ketiga" between a kancil and kura kura.....kura kura would win again. but the worst was the jalan raya kancil. i stalled 3 times even before crossing the start line....stupid malaysian car. then there was the tester, which was a liar. he said i didn't check whether the gear was in neutral, didn't check the mirrors and that i didn't overtake properly. just because the engine died three times didn't mean it wasn't in neutral, it means you need a new car. then i did check all the mirror, because i rolled down the window, which he completely saw, because he told me not to roll it up again. then the reckless overtaking. i was not reckless, and i didnt bloody overtake anycar. what on earth with a motor engine can you overtake when you're doing 50 in a 90 road. i overtake no car, because i wasn't fast enough to get close to the one 50 metres in front of me. stupid lying tester. when i was driving, i think i saw a harley davidson....im not sure, im not good with bikes.....but it was the coolest bike i've ever seen. forget batman's or terminator's bikes, this is far cooler by a whole mile. too bad the mices in the bonnet were tired, so i couldnt make a deadly U-turn and catch up with the rider to ask him about the model.
by the way, on the eve of hyper-ness, i bought a P sticker for bike. I DON'T HAVE A MOTORCYCLE!!!!
went to jvc driving school at 9, got back at 5.30. says a lot about rotting away right? and i ate the food there for the 1st and last time. cant believe a plate of rice with only one type of dish and iced milo cost 5.90. the bike test went on smoothly, but the car was ciplang, really ciplang. because i was doing bike and car on the same day, i had to do bike, then only car. by the time i finish bike test and took my number for car.....it was 178. then there was the car. the kancil for the bukit was fine, except that the throttle isn't as sensitive as the one i practised with. then the kancil for the parking and three point turn had mices running the wheels instead of an engine. if ever there was a "perlumbaan ketiga" between a kancil and kura kura.....kura kura would win again. but the worst was the jalan raya kancil. i stalled 3 times even before crossing the start line....stupid malaysian car. then there was the tester, which was a liar. he said i didn't check whether the gear was in neutral, didn't check the mirrors and that i didn't overtake properly. just because the engine died three times didn't mean it wasn't in neutral, it means you need a new car. then i did check all the mirror, because i rolled down the window, which he completely saw, because he told me not to roll it up again. then the reckless overtaking. i was not reckless, and i didnt bloody overtake anycar. what on earth with a motor engine can you overtake when you're doing 50 in a 90 road. i overtake no car, because i wasn't fast enough to get close to the one 50 metres in front of me. stupid lying tester. when i was driving, i think i saw a harley davidson....im not sure, im not good with bikes.....but it was the coolest bike i've ever seen. forget batman's or terminator's bikes, this is far cooler by a whole mile. too bad the mices in the bonnet were tired, so i couldnt make a deadly U-turn and catch up with the rider to ask him about the model.
by the way, on the eve of hyper-ness, i bought a P sticker for bike. I DON'T HAVE A MOTORCYCLE!!!!
ever been on a roller coaster ride of a gamut of emotions that left you speechless? life is like a roller coaster, and it's full of twists and bends that give you the thrill, loops that, for a split second, give you zero gravity, straights that make your eyes struggle to keep pace with the rails and the stop that lets you breathe a sigh of relief. i've seen people shouting their lungs out on roller coasters, kids crying refusing to hop in for a ride. some can't wait to get on it, some can't wait to get off it. it's not just a metaphor. it's real. and so was yesterday.
problem is, i don't know what i felt yesterday or what i feel right now. some were jumping, some cried, some laughed. emotions like happy, satisfied, depressed, guilty, dissapointed, relief.....these words should describe yesterday. but i can't say the same for myself. i just don't know what i felt, or what i should have feel. im just lost. i know life isnt full of certainties, but this void of doubt and second thoughts is consuming me.
some said i should be happy or perhaps glad..........and that's what i told other people too. who am i kidding? for someone who's got this hell hole to deal with, who cant even understand himself, i would be the worst person to act like i know what they felt.
by the way, congrats to everyone....not for the outcome, but for putting one chapter of our lives behind us. it may not be the best day in the world, but it's over. now, i could really use a pair of wings and fly away for a while.
problem is, i don't know what i felt yesterday or what i feel right now. some were jumping, some cried, some laughed. emotions like happy, satisfied, depressed, guilty, dissapointed, relief.....these words should describe yesterday. but i can't say the same for myself. i just don't know what i felt, or what i should have feel. im just lost. i know life isnt full of certainties, but this void of doubt and second thoughts is consuming me.
some said i should be happy or perhaps glad..........and that's what i told other people too. who am i kidding? for someone who's got this hell hole to deal with, who cant even understand himself, i would be the worst person to act like i know what they felt.
by the way, congrats to everyone....not for the outcome, but for putting one chapter of our lives behind us. it may not be the best day in the world, but it's over. now, i could really use a pair of wings and fly away for a while.
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