second thoughts

im not much of a planner. i barely have things laid out for tomorrow, let alone my plan for my future. this could be one of the deciding moments in life that one rarely finds a restart button, and i still dont know what im doing.

the constant things that my parents have been telling me for the past two years is "medicine, doctor, colourblind, gifted". im supposed to do medicine to become a doctor because i should not waste my gift and because my colourblindness limits my choice of career. i don't see any reason why i shouldn't be a doctor, but the same applies vice versa. but somehow, they do. it's a stable career, there's always a high demand, good pay, relax working life, and you'll be giving your service to the public. what they forgot is to ask me whether im afraid of blood. 2 years of brainwashing and they left out the most important part. so much for planning, it must run in the family.

so, i have absolutely no idea what the next 5 years or 10 have in store for me, and i have no question either, but one. suppose i do become a medical officer, or perhaps a specialist, and i screw up......what's going to happen to me. i actually asked this today to the doctor who was in the accidents & emergency dept. her reply, was rather hypothetical; as long as you have done your best, then you shouldn't feel guilty. back to reality, shit happens and people make mistakes. i mean, no one is at their best every day. one day, i might just give the wrong meds, or cut the wrong parts.....fact is, no one's perfect, and that's going to catch up on me sooner or later. the main difference is, if i choose other fields, or careers, my mistakes would not be so severe, or perhaps, would not be give a direct impact. worst come to worst, i trigger a chain of reaction of mistakes and a whole lot of people are in deep shit, and we all share the blame. but as a doctor, my mistakes or misconduct would consequently affect the life and death of a patient. how can i handle death if im the one who invited him over to see my patient? can anyone? as realistic as i try to be, i don't see a carbon-based life form developed by eons of evolution undergoing a natural process of dying when i screw up. i see my hands around their necks......